The Longshoreman

Welcome Back Again To The Show That Never Ends

2011-12-08T20:12:00.000-08:00

Had a few interesting months.

Went to see the new Cirque du Soleil show with the lead actor of American Pop. We met as friends on Facebook and then met up in real life. Very cool guy but a lot older than I remembered from the film.

Been spending too much damn money. Finally realized tonight I need to cut back.

Been dating quite a bit this year, hasn't gone all that well to be honest. I think I come across as too nice. Which is frequently a turn off for women.

No one reads this site so I really wonder why I bother posting on it. Vanity I guess. What little I have left.

The new short film is finished. Have been sending it out to a few film festivals. Just two rejections so far but they were from fests that were near impossible to get into.

Life's a joke.

Blood Simpleton

2011-07-08T21:32:00.000-07:00

Finished shooting a new short film a number of weeks ago. Finished editing and color correction. Just waiting to get the score back from the composer. It's another comedy.

It was a major accomplishment working with a whole new set of actors and finding a new cinematographer and crew to work with for the first time. A friend who worked with me on the previous film had the lead role.

Will be going to the new Cirque du Soleil show, Iris, about the world of cinema, early next month at the Kodak Theater with a woman I'd gone out on a couple dates in the past. I was surprised she said yes when I contacted her. After our second date she messaged me that she felt we were leaning more towards friendship and not anything else. Story of my hellish life. But she changed her mind it seems when I brought up this show. She is no longer on the dating site we originally met on. Maybe something will come of it, maybe not.

At a lot of the employees have moved into one of the two new buildings being constructed at work. The old building I work in feels kind of like a ghost ship. I am liking the lack of people and the silence of the empty offices.

I've thought about writing a screenplay about a guy on the end of his rope, a man on the edge, who is a strange loner, drives a classic American muscle car that he takes good care of, who makes a good living at a dull job, who doesn't communicate with people much, who is trying his hand at online dating but not having much success, he spends a lot of his time seeing movies, hanging out at the local luxury cigar shop with the other lonesome losers, brooding, angry, not being able to connect with women, who keeps his simple apartment clean, the theme music would be the theme from the Coen brothers film Blood Simple.

Death becomes me.

Or not.

I vote not.

Nightcycling

2011-05-24T14:52:00.001-07:00

Well. Finished up another 40 days on the master cleanse.

Then after going back to my local gastropub for the first time in ages the other night, I had bought a new bike at a sporting goods store earlier that day, stored it on my sizable balcony under an eave covered section, was thinking about getting up early to go biking in the morning.

Then I realized at the gastropub, why can't I do that at night? When it is calm and cooler. So I biked all the way down to the beach. Then up and down the bike/walking path along the beach. Went to the edge of the pier and sat on one of the benches with the last of rogue fishermen still casting their lines for fish.

You have to lock up or walk your bike on the pier. I swear looking out at the dark ocean with the lights on the pier I felt better than I had in years. I hadn't biked in literally eons. And had not bought a new bike in ages. It cost circa $300 with a 2 year maintenance plan. Which I guess is good to have for tune ups each 6 months.

But biking along that long beach path (which leads all the way to other beach cities and beyond) was amazing, still a good distance. Did over 15 miles round trip. Had to walk on some steep street sections.

Then biked back to the pad. Felt amazing. Got a sweet new bike. K2 brand, dark blue and black. A comfort mountain bike. With multiple speeds. Just wore jeans, Levi denim shit and black worn Chuck Taylors. Didn't feel out of place at all. Especially in the cover of darkness. There were late night walkers/hikers along the sands. But not a lot like the day time. And bike paths were on the concrete beach path going both ways and a pedestrian path. I swear it was incredible.

Like a new lease on life. The whole thing was at least 10 miles round trip if not more. I didn't want it to end. Had that Queen song Bicycle Race in my head (which is hardly my favorite of theirs). Very great time all around.

It feels good to earn your keep. To earn the calories for an evening meal. Even though I had nothing but Simply Orange before that main and lone meal. And it was hardly massive. Just hearty.

Plus the great feeling and rush of doing something active, simple and enjoyable. Much better than walking the damn beach. Amazing.

And the notion I had something interesting to do in the evenings now.

I might try biking to my gastropub for a meal or just a nightcap from time to time. Then do the beach paths and head back to the homefront. This is cool.

Should have done this long, long ago.

I felt 11 at times. Riding a bike is a bit like... riding a bike.

Easter

2011-04-24T18:41:00.001-07:00

Feeling pretty good.

Had a pretty good Easter today.

Got up and finished Portal 2 on Ps3.

Left home awhile later and via the new GPS I made my way to a new outdoor upscale shopping center called The Americana in Glendale.

I had it in my head to get a royal shave (cost $55) at this joint there I read about in Los Angeles Magazine called The Art Of Shaving. It is a shaving chain that sells high end shaving equipment and provides shaves and haircuts on the premises.

I got there and the place was empty and went in the back room for the experience. I'd heard raves about it on Yelp. The master barber was a woman, kinda hot, looked like an American Scary Spice. They had classic jazz playing on the stereo and old school barber chairs there (these had hydraulic systems in the base so they were just made to look retro) and they leaned you back in a white barber smock, applied hot towels to your face to open the pours, applied many lotions, massaged the face, added lather and shaved with a straight razor. I was a bit nervous the whole time, I wanted to try a straight razor shave, they say it is the closest shave available, but still, it's a straight razor. I was paranoid about being cut especially in areas of the neck but there was nary a scratch.

There was a touch up with a high end electric razor and then a going over with the straight razor in tough areas again. After that a clear herbal face mask was applied. Then more lotions massaged in and then a cold towel applied to the face to close the pours. More lotions and massage and voilà. Fin.

I kept my eyes closed most of the time, just getting into the relaxation of it all. The master barber, American Scary Spice, gave me her card and thanked me profusely. I would guess I was probably her only customer that day. Made it point to give her a twenty dollar tip when cashing out using the trusty debit card.

Let there with my skin feeling smoother than it has since childhood. And not a red bump to be seen. Very interesting experience.

Then I walked around more and looked at all the places I'd want come back and eat at when the cleanse was done. An Italian place, a pizza shack and a retro burger place called Jewel City Diner.

They have a giant fountain there that does a water show with jet streams of water. Probably looks cooler at night. And a classic red trolley that drives people around the place.

This young family then stopped me as I strolled along the grass and asked to take their photo. Which I did, four snapshots. The woman then thanked me and wished me a happy Easter. Which felt very good.

Then I went to see Water For Elephants at the movie theater. Good film. The theater was very well designed and retro like a classic movie theater from early Hollywood. It wasn't the Arclight but I wasn't complaining. I sat on a bench in the theater while waiting for the movie to let in and people watched which was cool.

I was proud of myself for trying something totally new and GQ, a royal shave at The Art Of Shaving. It made me feel like that tagline from GQ Magazine, man at his best. It seems there's not many places you can go to be a man anymore. Which isn't true. But this place was all about being male. Since, who else shaves? It was like a day spa for men. It was male in a sense that wasn't negatory toward women. Just something by and for men. Which is refreshing.

So, all in all, a good Easter.

Life As We Know It Deluxe

2011-04-16T12:17:00.000-07:00

Home again, home again. Well, back again.

Planning a new short film project. Should get the ball rolling pretty soon. Another comedy. It'll easier than my last one, anyone will be easier than that one. This one I'll be dealing with sixteen actors. So I'll have to keep them happy with plenty of craft services. Even if it is just a one day, ten hour film shoot. I'm guessing I'll just provide a lot of pizzas and diet Coke and regular Coke.

Been doing the online dating thing a lot. Had some second dates but that's about it. No real chemistry. Oh, I could have banged plenty of them. But either they were not interested in me or vicey versa. Life seems empty a lot of the time.

I'm back on the Master Cleanse. Need something to kick start the weight loss. I did it for the full forty days the last time I did it a couple years ago. Wasn't easy but I hung in there. I might go for fifty or thirty this time. Who knows. Say what you want about the MC, it works.

I miss my comfort food. It was sort of pathetic but I liked coming home at the end of the work day with a couple turkey burgers and a plain baked potato and a bottle of wine and champagne and chilling in front of the computer with lots of ketchup and dijon.

Food and drinking is an activity for me. Something to do. Since my life is very, very empty. I could maintain that diet and be healthy if I was just a hardcore exerciser or more athletic. I never used to hike before I did the cleanse the last time so maybe after this time I can work towards being a foodie and more athletic. A lot of people do it.

I'm liking my apartment a lot more these days. Finally wised up and called my apartment manager and they said they do carpet cleaning, which makes sense since they have to clean up an apartment when someone new moves in, and I now have a pristine clean carpet. It makes me feel like I've moved into a whole new place. It's good for the soul and soothing to the mind. It feels good to be in The One Bunk Hilton. I like where I live. It gets lonely sometimes especially without some comfort food, sex or good wine, beer or liquor. I should learn to cook. So on those nights when I know I'm going to have a lot of lonely days and nights for a long while to come I should come home, turn on some Sinatra, enjoy some fine wine, make myself up some great pasta and just enjoy being on my own. Which I do at times. But I just need to find more ways to keep myself entertained.

Mostly I want to subsititute two vices, drinking and food for another. Sex. But that's hard to come by for yours truly. I'm getting better and getting it these days. But still it doesn't come by as often as I'd like. I hooked up with a pretty good looking redhead MILF a few months ago and she seemed pleased as proverbial punch after we did it fast and furious at her place two times in a row. She seemed impressed. But I never heard back from her after that. Shoot.

I should be happy. I make a good living, have a good new car, am still fairly young, live in a decent place in a quiet area. But a lot of times I'm gloomy and lonely. I'm not sure if God exists but I find myself praying to this possibly non-existent God to send me a woman or women into my life.

I'm still obsessing over things like I usually do. Things that happened many moons ago any normal person would forget. About people who were cruel or hateful to me.

As I said I'm back on the Master Cleanse. Did it once before for forty days. Hope to do more this time. I was in eating mode for awhile now I'm in cleansing mode. When in eating mode I'm heavier and feel no woman will want me. Even though a few have.

I shouldn't let me haters get me down. Haters gonna hate. We're all imperfect hateful little human beings sometimes.

I try and treat people with respect in day to day life but what good does it do.

Sometimes I wish the world would end or just be like that movie 28 Days Later as I've said before. But that could be a problem if you got hurt or sick since there wouldn't be anymore hospitals. Unless you came across a military base of surviving humans.

Just wish I could be normal as I always say. Guess I'll just have to keep trying per usual. Until I snap. Which I hope I don't. And probably won't since I don't dig drama.

Salud.

Coming To A Close

2010-12-19T12:16:00.000-08:00

Another year coming to an end.

I've done some things, drank some good spirits, gone to work a lot, seen many movies, gone on some dates, penned some Wikipedia articles and edited others, banged some MILFs and other types of girls, done this, that and the proverbial other thing.

Been really into Karl Strauss spirits lately. Big fan of Red Trolley ale.

A friend of mine and his new gal actually came over to The One Bunk Hilton (what I've named my studio apartment and/or humble digs) and brought me a gift for the holidays, a jug of Red Trolley Ale straight from the Karl Strauss Brewery. Was trippy seeing two strangers in my pad. I have never in my life had a friend drop by with their chick at a place I've lived. I know, that's insane, and it seems normal for most people to have a buddy over with their girl, but for me and my antisocial self, this was a totally new thing.

Yes, yes, I need to get out more, I know.

Been procastinating a bit too much lately. Just haven't felt motivated to choke the world by it's neck and suck the nectar out of life's great gaping rosebud. But this will change soon. Life will go on and get better for me and my fellow human beings here on Spaceship Planet Earth.

Such is life.

Hope yours is going well.

Cheers.

Make A Wish

2010-06-18T17:24:00.000-07:00

Got sick on Saturday, thought it was undercooked meat.

Couldn't sleep all night. Was very painful to even walk. Thought I pulled a muscle below the abdomen.

Went to the hospital on Monday after calling in sick. They said I had diverticulitis. It is a problem with the intestines. They caught it early enough that a possible abcess didn't develop in the intestines and I didn't need surgery. There was micropeforation.

So I stayed six hours in a curtained emergency hospital room bed. The pain was bearable when you lie on your back. I was then taken to have a cat scan, diagnosed, then given a hospital room.

Stayed there from Monday morning till when I left at 1pm Friday. Was going stir crazy in that room, hooked up to an IV constantly and being fed anti-biotics and this other stuff that contains water and dextrose so patients can survive without food. Forget what is is called now. So I was off solid food for 3 days.

Wanted to get out of there by Thursday. And when the doctor didn't show up late Thursday I broke down pretty much and told the nurse I didn't want to stay in the hospital anymore. I hate hospitals. Even the good ones like this one.

It was so uncomfortable having strangers coming into your room wearing only underwear (you not them, that might have made the stay more interesting though given some of the nurses were hot) and a patients gown.

I sometimes couldn't goto the bathroom for fear my damn IV needle would dislodge and stop working because I couldn't move my arm. We moved the IV needle to another vein the next day and there were less mess ups. Plus I couldn't sleep since I couldn't get comfortable since I had to hold my arm in place.

So I stayed in bed most of the time. One thing that made it worth it was this painkiller. I asked for a sleeping tablet late that first night and it didn't help. But when I had a hit of this painkiller it just gave you this quick warm, sleepy feeling. And it took away body pains, headaches. You felt relaxed fast. They shot it into your IV tube and wham, instant relaxation. So the next few days I could bear it while on this painkiller. But I didn't think to ask for it the first night other than the time they gave it to me in the emergency ward.

If I stayed laying prone in bed there wasn't much pain. Only when I stood or walked. The painkiller reminded me of how people could easily get hooked on opium dens or some modern version of it. They'd be so stressed from the day to day activities I can see how easily it would be to go somewhere, lie down, take a hit and drift away from it all in a warm, fuzzy haze. I also didn't like having to ring this nurses call button hooked up to this remote that also worked the TV. Since I didn't want to be a bother. But I guess that just comes with what nurses do. They have a hard job. And they get paid pretty well for it. And I had people coming in my room one after the other drawing blood, housekeeping, whatever. Which is weird when you are pissing in a bottle under your sheets and don't want to get caught with someone walking in and watching you do it.

Having multiple, seemingly normal people asking me about personal bodily functions was off putting at first. But that's their job I had to remind myself. I didn't ask to have my sheets changed since I never left my room. I got a clean gown after the 2nd day. Only because they offered. I never was in a hospital and I didn't know you had to request this stuff.

Plus I finally got put on a liquid diet (which is the same thing for all 3 meals, a bowl of hot broth, a carton on juice, jello, a cup of hot tea, at lunch their was this sort of frozen Italian dessert with a foil sealed cover.

Then on the last day I got moved to solid food. The breakfast was scrambled eggs, dry toast, a slice of apple, a good sized bowl of oatmeal, a cup of coffee. They eggs tasted good at first till I realized they were probably not real or frozen or something. Mostly I didn't eat much of what they gave me. Since I am a picky eater.

But some of the most awful days ever. I guess this medical condition just happens. And no one knows why.

So I am home now, threw all the cold pizza and bottles of booze out. Not drinking anymore. No more red meat since my system can't handle it. Least not for some time. May drink socially in the future. But I never do the social thing anyway. Don't want this thing to recur. Need an excuse to not drink and eat healthier anyway.

Called and told work I will be out for two weeks to recover since that's how long my doctor said I would have to wait while I take medication at home after leaving the hospital. Got the perscriptions from the pharmacy.

I left the hospital thankful just to be out of there. Thought I'd never leave. Like I'd be lost in a sea of paper work and waiting for doctors to give the okay for release. But they were doing the right thing.

This condition can require surgery if not treated soon enough, they have to cut out the part of your intestines that get abcessed. How long would I have been in there if that was the case? I don't want to think about it. It scared me enough being in there.

I'm lucky it was a good hospital and I had my own room. If I had one of those rooms that I had to share with someone? Terrible. I'm lucky I had good health care coverage. The nurses encourage you to get out of your room and do a couple laps with your IV stand around the halls and no way was I gonna walk by nurses (a number of them young and pretty) in the halls like that.

I just brought one pair of clothes and underwear with me. Which I ended up rinsing out with hot water each morning. I didn't bring anything since I wasn't thinking I'd be staying. I tried to stay as clean as I could but with no shaving razor (and they won't give patients one unless the doctor says so for obvious reasons) and at times you can't get to the bathroom or even shower properly. You have to sponge bath yourself since they have to get an okay from the doctor to remove the IV since they had to keep constantly giving me fluids or anti-biotics.

They also had to tape up where they inserted the IV in your arm to cover it from the shower water. So at some point you realize these nurses see a lot more nasty things than yourself on a day to day basis. Really screwed up patients. This one dude roaming the halls with his IV machine looked like a skinny crazy homeless guy. And the young nurses were asking him, how are you feeling today, better? Like these pretty, normal nurses deal with these wack jobs all the time. I guess that guy musta been on Medicare since he looked too out of it to have had a job that gave him good health care. So at least those on Medicare got decent care as well at a facility like this.

I was afraid I was gonna see this girl I used to hook up with there. She works as a nurse and lives near me. Imagine if she walked in on me in one of the room where she was making her rounds.

They had curtains over the doors that were like 2 feet away from the doors to give extra privacy when people came barging into the rooms.

I hate hospitals. I don't like their scent. We certainly need them, but I don't like them. I don't know if God or fate saved me or if it was just a fluke I went in when I did. At one point when I was in the emergency room and they told me to disrobe and put the gown on I panicked and wanted to leave.

But I'm lucky it was just five days of fluids and anti-biotics. They said if you take them interveneously you heal much faster than just regular medication. I would have probably surivived even with the surgery.

But the mental stress and physical stress I don't want to think about. Or the length of the hospital stay. Lots of people have surgery. And I heard and saw people in the hospital who had been there multiple times (all older people). But the thought of going under the knife scares me. As does the scarring. The Israelis developed this laser that seals patients without stitiching them up. I would want that instead.

The pretty, thin head nurse who signed me out told me to take a shower when I got home to get all the hospital germs off me. She even handed me a pen, stopped, swabbed the pen down with a sterilizer napkin that comes sealed in foil and then gave me the pen. They had rubber gloves, hand cleaner, installed on the walls of every hospital room. Comes with the territory. But I thought, how does she work here all the time? She also said the doctor wanted me to take some potassium. So she gave me these two foil covered small plastic cups and I looked at the stuff and said, it looks like barbeque sauce. She laughed and said, it doesn't taste like barbeque sauce. So I downed it fast before she could get get me some water and she dashed out to get some. I had a small amount of water left in a glass in the hospital room but it didn't help much till she returned.

They also said they had to have me taken out in a wheelchair when I left. So this woman old enough to be my grandmother wheels out this six foot two guy who could be her grandson down to the front hospital door, I felt silly, like the position should be reversed, but just kept calm and endured the ride politely, I then made a point to thank her and split. Sure, she was in decent shape for her age. And she had smooth floors, carpets and elevators and modern wheelchairs to help her but for crying out loud I thought.

They were also a bit taken aback I didn't have anyone picking me up. And double checked that I was okay to drive myself which I was. But I drove away from there just glad that I was, not alive, which I was, but glad to be alive to be angry at the world, glad to listen to modern rock and pop songs on the radio, to see Legg's pantyhose on sale in the racks at the pharmacy, to be able to buy this new Sure deoderant I liked the packaging for, to be able to do all that and not be disfigured from surgery from some condition doctors with decades of experience don't know why happens, it just does, and being glad I could look in the mirror and see I'm still young enough to appreciate it all.

Make a wish, live another day.

Alone Again...

2010-05-02T17:51:00.000-07:00

...unnaturally.

Broke it off with the female friend today.

Feel bad, empty. The physical side of the relationship was becoming a problem for me. Even though she is a great girl, a great friend.

She was like my link to the outside world. Even though with a little effort I can get to that world myself.

Locked picture on the new film this week. Or 99.9% percent locked. Now have to move onto the next short. And from their a low budget horror feature.

Going to be getting back five figures from the government in write offs from the last film. Which basically broke even saleswise.

All the tax return money goes to paying off multiple credit cards I foolishly racked up over the years.

That aside, I feel terrible about letting the girl in my life go. She told me she loved me. And meant it. I told her I cared about her before she left and I hated hurting her. And she believed me.

Right now I'm feeling like the end scene of remake of Alfie. Wondering what it's all about.

Old habits die hard, harder than November rain...

A New Decade, A New Era

2010-01-18T23:02:00.000-08:00

Welcome, welcome, my friends to the show that nearly never ends.

Well, its a new decade, a new era. Good riddance to the old decade. Got some decent sex once in a great while back then but other than that...

Well, 2009 wasn't all bad.

Got a new car. A 2010 red Dodge Challenger just like I wanted. My first new car I ever bought in my life. Still seeing my current female friend, I kinda guess she is my girlfriend. And I made a new film, a short action-comedy. A script I wrote a few years ago and one I thought I would never get around to making. But I pushed myself and got it made for a lot less than I thought I could make it for. And I had my crazy, cult film critic friend act a small role in it. I'm feeling pretty cool about giving him his first cameo role. After filming his scene that day we went for amber beers and sweet potato fries at Father's Office in Culver City. It was one of the most stressful and best days of my sad, sick pathetic life.

The next day of shooting at a Los Angeles liquor store was one of the worst and most freaked out days of my life. We shot in the dead of night when the store was closed. And I was freaked out wanting to jump in my car and drive off at any time. But I calmed down somewhat and figured out how I wanted the film shot and we got it done. More or less how I had envisioned it.

Those night moves, those night moves.

Still in the post production phases for the film.

Finally faxed the distributor of my first feature film and they faxed back some sales sheets and basically told me the film hadn't done too well saleswise. Which is a big time bummer. But I guess it is just good the film got released at all.

Have another short film I want to do this new year. And I wanna make a new feature film this year. How I will ever get the latter done is a mystery to me.

But I will try. In my half assed way that I do. By putting a minimal amount of effort into it and life in general.

Hope this new era goes better for me and you and yours. But mostly me. I'm selfish like that, daddy-o.

Workin' on our night moves...

Solstice Canyon

2009-07-18T13:23:00.000-07:00

So I'm out hiking again in Malibu, Solstice Canyon. And on the way down the mountain. I look behind and see my ex behind me, the new Filipino chick I broke up with. And she says as she descends the trail with a smile, "You can't be on my mountain."

We embraced and I held her for a long moment. It was uncomfortable but I was glad to see her. Then we went down the mountain to the small waterfall at the end of the trail. She gave me some of her water and we walked to the parking area.

I asked if she wanted to have lunch at The Counter (a cool burger joint) and we drove over there in our cars. Had lunch. Afterwards I asked if she wanted to go watch a movie or DVD and she said it probably wouldn't be a good idea. So we said goodbye outside and that was that. I paid for lunch. She offered to give me $20 dollars for her half of the check but I told her I'd take care of it.

I feel a bit better about it all now. I was going to tell her I was planning on sending her flowers to say sorry. But did not. At lunch I asked how her 4th of July was and she said great. She watched a lot of fireworks and then watched Full Metal Jacket in her friend's home theater movie room. I ran into the first Filipino chick when walking by the beach (and did not see her) and now I run into the second on the first hiking trail we did together.

Is this sort of life coming full circle?

We then went to check out some local tide pools at beach slash Marine reserve a couple days later. Where you hike along a rock covered beach and then around the edge of cliff right along the shore. And the tide pools are there. Saw some crabs, hermit crabs, beautiful scenery.

We went had a meal later at a local Mexican restaurant. And then went home to watch Eyes Wide Shut. Afterwards she asked if I wanted to sleep with her. I said it might not be a good idea. But she said it would just be for fun. So we did.

I've been seeing her the last week or so. Hanging out, going for meals, seeing movies.

Strange how things work out. So I guess we are friends with (more) than benefits again.

Adios, half soldier.

Steppin' Out Again (Into The Light)

2009-07-01T23:56:00.000-07:00

Bachelor moment.

When you want to make laundry easier. Just soak everything briefly in the kitchen sink and use shampoo as your soap. Well, you know if you want to make homemade bubble bath you pour liquid soap or shampoo into a running tub so it makes a soapy foam? It's like that. Soak everything, socks, sheets, whatever. Ring it out by hand as best you can, load it all up into a backpack or whatever else you have that's waterproof and drag the heavy stuff (amazing how heavy stuff gets when it is soaking wet) downstairs to the laundry room at your apartment complex, leaking water and hoping no one sees you, and then be shocked when it takes close to 4 hours to get everything bone dry in the dryer.

That's the price you pay for skipping the washing machine step, do the sink soaking thing and go straight to the dryer. But I wanted to skip the washing machine step since I hate going up and down to the machines to unload the washing machine and stuff everything into the dryer. But I eneded up going down multiple times anyway and spending multiple quarters on the machines.

I left work early today. Got my hair cut mondo short and colored. When I heard some fat ugly ghetto skank I walked by on the beach exclaim, "Oh my God! Look!" And as I walked by fast I thought she was pointing me out to her friends. And I thought, what is her fat ass problem? And I thought, uh, is it my hair blowing in the wind and my skanky grayish roots showing underneath the badly dyed parts?

But I could have just been paranoid. She might not have been talking to me. But one's first impression is one's best impression. So...

Or the fact that when I'm walking and sweating and zoning out I sometimes make a weird clicking kissy face with my mouth and lips and maybe this skank thought I was making come on faces to her? As fat and homely as she was, no way would I have ever put the moves on that thing!

Or maybe it was just a teenager, a young person, doing dumbass teenager, young person shit.

Either way it motivated me to take a few hours off and get some errands done. I was paranoid about people at work or anyone in public gawking at my strange hair. I tried to tell myself not to care what other people think. But then I figured just take the time off. First thing to do was the hair, which I am vain about, the second being a test drive in a 2007 used red Mustang at the local Ford dealership. It was $22,000. And the same dark red as my current Mustang. But it didn't have the same legroom as the current ride. So I thought, I'll pass. At over six foot I need leg room. I can't have my legs pressing against the sides of the driver side seat and whatnot. The Ford salesman was an older guy who told me had been doing this for 30 years and I believed him. He talked so fast. I've heard that is a good way to be a salesman. Just talk as fast and as much as possible. And he pointed this out to me. Saying sorry that he talked so fast.

I told the salesman I was also considering Dodge Challengers and he said for me to contact him since he could possibly locate a Dodge Challenger for me at some point if I wanted. He said I should get the Mustang I test drived ASAP. Since it was a GT and GTs go fast.

But then I thought I might as well get a new car. And not bother with another used one at his point. Since he showed me the computer print out car history that the car had 2 other owners in Arizona. And only 31,000 miles on it. I didn't wanna be number 3.

So I then got my current car washed and with the paint shimmering I felt much better about it.

Then went to see Public Enemies. Which was good. But I kinda hated the digital camera they shot it on. A period film set in the 1930s should be shot on 35mm. And it should not be shot shakey cam documentary style! Plus there seemed to be a lot of issues with the sound. It may have been the theater or the film itself.

Still, I loved running my hands through my super short hair during the movie. The scent of my freshly shampooed hair was music to my senses. I felt so clean, so neat and pure.

Then came home and did the laundry thing and had some Corona Light beer and Wild Turkey from the local liquor store and cheese and crackers and Gulden's mustard from Whole Foods. And watched YouTube.

This is the hell that is my life.

I am so perfectly and tragically uncool.

Crazy.

Crazy on you, baby.

Dorian Gray Lives

2009-06-23T19:13:00.000-07:00

Back again.

Well, broke it off with my new Filipino female friend. We got back together after I did some fast talking. And we were dating again for three months when I decided it wasn't going well enough for my liking.

Actually I had issues with her looks. So that is what sunk the relationship for me. Shallow, I know. But true. Even though I liked SO many things about her. She was always happy, smiling, in a good mood. Unlike me. She got happy hand clapping delight out of the little things in life. Like seeing popcorn pop from a popping machine at the movies. At the sight of animals. I miss those things about her. And I wonder if I made the wrong decision.

Plus she was a foodie like myself. And we did a lot of hiking together. Before her I would have never gone on a hike. And it got me thinking I could keep doing our hikes, our four mile walks by the beach on my own.

I miss a lot of things about her and I wonder if I did the right thing breaking up with her. She was my girl, my friend. And I feel like I just threw her away. And it isn't like I've got a ton of pretty girls beating down my door.

Who's going to love me, care about me at this age? I'm not that old. But sometimes I feel it. I'm wracked with thoughts and fears of old age. I think I wish I was Dorian Gray.

I think I get her back if I sent her flowers five days in a row, said I was sorry. I think she liked me that much. Plus the sex we had was amazing for her. She's only been with one other man. So even a douche like me is going to come across way better than her last boyfriend.

If you show a woman a good time in the sack they will forgive a lot.

I was hoping to get back together with the other Filipino chick my new friend reminded me of. I e-mailed her and told her I would love to see her again. Amazingly she wrote back saying that would be cool.

Then I went for a walk at the beach like I used to do with my just dumped ex and the other chick was there with her sister. I walked right by her without recognizing her. I was spacing out. And she e-mailed me saying she saw me there. I then called her on her cell and we discussed this. She then said she'd call me when she was available to get together.

Which I fear may be never since I weirded her the fuck out.

So I lost one girl and now I've not another. Just my shit luck. Maybe it be a sign from above?

I've been talking a lot via e-mail with my internet film critic friend about it all. He's been cool about dispensing sagelike amounts of advice.

Hatefully yours...

Wild Turkey In Paradise

2009-03-21T21:17:00.000-07:00

It's another lonely night.

Having the rest of a quart of Wild Turkey I bought last night and some Corona Light.

Feeling mellow. But a little sluggish.

Placed a few ads on Craigslist in hopes of find a new female companion. But nothing yet.

Maybe I'm just a bad person who deserves to be alone. Mostly I'm just bored. All the time. With life, work, everything. I work and come home and surf the web and watch YouTube. That's it. No wonder I'm bored.

But nothing seems worth venturing out for.

Not yet anyway...

Mysteries Of Love

2009-02-05T20:27:00.000-08:00

What a time it's been.

Well, my film is officially out. And in stores throughout North America. And has been for over a month now.

Hard to believe I can now hold the actual DVD in my not so hot little hands and gaze in wide wonder at what I have unleashed upon the world. A DVD released by a major distributor no less! A film gets a release by a major movie studio, it's a success, end of story.

So one can take some comfort in that.

My (new) friend with benefits and I called it quits last night. We had been seeing each other these last two months. We hung out, banged like crazy and then after lay in bed, touching, talking, talking and talking. She reminds me a lot of my last girl. She's another Asian princess. Filipino.

It was nice having the company. Sometimes I wanted her to leave so I could be alone again. But it was nice overall.

But she came to tears the other night when she knew it had to end. She wanted someone she could marry and have children with. And she was sad that I didn't want what she wanted. She said I could fuck her every night and satisfy her. We experimented with many things. She told me she had been with only one other man in her life. For over a decade. And so I went wild and we tried all sorts of things. I bought her her first sex toy and we had a bit of fun with it.

Never bought a sex toy for a woman before. But I figured what the heck.

But she wanted to have sex one last time and we did. And we said goodbye and she walked out the door. Never to be seen again. I knew it was probably the right thing to do. But I couldn't help but feel a bit sad.

The mysteries of love confound me. Ala a beautiful Julee Cruise song.

She said was with her last and first and only boyfriend for over ten years, since college. And he didn't treat her well. She came to tears when she told me how he once went to help someone move on the day of their anniversary and she had cooked for them. But he didn't care. He even denied her sex for the longest time and she never cheated on him once.

I told her she was a sweet girl and a good person with a good soul who didn't deserve to be treated like that. And I told her she deserved someone much better than a weirdo like me.

But she said I had a lot to offer a girl. That I had issues but I was a nice, stable guy. And how hard those were to find. I had told her I wasn't the kind of guy you bring home to your family but she told me I was.

We talked about how I could see how hard it was for a woman to find a good man, since so many are fuck ups and losers and out of work and just plain jerks, freaks and creeps.

But I told her she was a good person and she'd find someone soon.

She had said I would break her heart and she would fall for me. Even though I told her we only knew each other a short while.

I had shown her my baby book. Which was filled with things from my infancy. And she told me don't show girls your baby book if you don't want them to fall for you.

But we said goodbye that night and that was that.

But I kind of miss her.

The Story Of My Life

2008-12-25T20:00:00.000-08:00

It's Christmas day as I write these words.

Or Christmas night to be more precise.

Damn, if the days don't fly by faster these days. As boring as my life is and as torture filled it seems. It seems it was just yesterday that Christmas was upon us.

Oh, it seems like a good amount of time. But I can only recall just yesterday it seems that the year was ending.

Some good things happened this year. I got laid a good amount of times. For me anyway. I saw some good films. I finished my film once and for all (I hope and pray). And I made it through another damned year.

I'm still wanting and lusting for the love of my life that I feel I will never meet. Though I have a friend with benefits who hopefully will be seeing me for a good time to come onto the road to nowhere.

I was coloring my hair tonight. And some of the coloring foam spewed out from my head as I was lathering up and stained my shower rug and bathroom door. I screamed repeatedly, outraged, filled with anger, hatred, loud, harsh profanity. So loud and to the point of scratching my voice I felt the neighbors whom I despise would call the police.

But they did not. So I showered off all the hair coloring and scrubbed the offending areas of the bath place with a sponge till thankfully the areas returned to their normal coloring.

Coloring your own hair is a crap shoot. You never know how good a job you'll do. Many times it is better to have a professional do it. But doing it yourself is simpler.

I'm such a bitter angry person I look for small things to set me off into fits of rage and screaming profanity. I have no drama so I need to create drama.

The story of my life.

Have a good year.

Absolute Positivity

2008-10-10T06:38:00.000-07:00

I think I've hit a minor break through. I was thinking the other day. I've been so negative for most of my life. Why not be positive for the rest of it?

Why not simply change your thinking around that if you want something? Think positively that you're going to get it. Always be reasonable with yourself of course.

But in the brief time I've done this I found I've felt a little bit better. I've still got a mountain of negativity to deal with in my mind. But I think I'm onto something. Let's just say recent events have made me begin to see the light. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm long overdue for an amber ale at The Happiness Bar And Grill.

Who Knows What Good Lurks In The Hearts Of Men?

2008-10-08T09:22:00.000-07:00

Maybe I need to look at life from a fresh perspective.

All things considered life, I guess, isn't all bad.

I've accomplished some of the things I set out to do.

Nary else matters but that I keep repeating to myself over and over. Like a Mantra.

A lot of things in life come down to motivation. You can do and accomplish so much if you're just properly motivated. Can't quit smoking? Your doctor tells you quit or you're dead in six months. Boom, you quit cold turkey and stay that way. Want the girl of your dreams and you find she's just within your reach for whatever reason? Boom! You change yourself and your life so you can be with her.

I need peace. Inner peace. Peace of mind. Perhaps a bit of inversion meditation every day would be just the thing?

It's going to get better. I know it. I'm too passionately stubborn for it to turn out any other way. Don't let the numbskulls and numbskullettes of life get you down.

I may be deluding myself. I may be just penning another post to make myself feel better when deep down I fear I'm sad and bitter and lonely. These words may be hollow. Hollow Man. That may be me. But I hold tight onto the naive truth that happiness may just be around the corner.

You just have to know where to look for it.

And the future? To paraphrase the song. Is uncertain. Give us time. To work it out.

No Reservations

2008-10-07T08:46:00.000-07:00

After signing off last night I turned on No Reservations on cable. It was just what I needed at that moment. Not the best film ever but well shot, well acted, well directed, and very well scored.

The No Reservations theme always puts me at ease. I don't want to get the DVD though since I don't want to get tired of it. Catherine Zeta-Jones, Aaron Eckhart and Abigail Breslin are great in it. How the film ultimately ends is a bit on the Hollywood side but it works. I've no doubt the original German film on which it is based, Mostly Martha, is superior.

So I got one of my three glass tumblers I got in Vegas while staying at the Luxor and had a shot of Gentleman Jack from a single airplane sized bottle I had and absorbed myself into the movie.

I felt better. And thought maybe the Gods are looking out for me just a bit. Loneliness can get to you. Especially when you just want a pretty woman to put her arms around you a few times a week.

But deep down I'm still overcome with bitterness. At life, love, God. I think God has said to me love, happiness, even the wonders and beauty of simple human lust and passion can never come my way. And if they do? It's only for a few fleeting moments. As if to torture me. What can come my way? Only hatred, loneliness, death, destruction and misery. No positivity, only negativity. Only darkness, never light.

What is God, the universe, fate, up to? Anything? Or is it all but for naught?

Either way. At the very least I can take some brief human comfort in a great movie.

Life isn't always made to order.

http://noreservationsmovie.warnerbros.com/

Lonely Man There On The Corner

2008-10-06T20:22:00.000-07:00

This is how I'm feeling tonight.

The lonely man there on the corner.

I called the Asian princess tonight. Got her voice mail like most times. Left a message and tried to sound cool, collected and confident. Told her I wanted to see her again. Then sent her a follow up e-mail for the hell of it.

After this. I don't think I should bother with much more. I've put myself out there. I know so little about women I never know how many times to call, how many e-mails to send. You have to play it cool. But you have to show interest at some point. She's a busy girl. A single mum, a student, a job where she's getting on the job training in her chosen profession, the medical field. So I've no doubt she's busy, busy, busy as a bee.

But. Damn, I miss her. I miss the great sex we had. And the companionship. I should be out scoping other chicks in the meantime. But I hate doing that. I like her. And I don't even barely know her. Did she lose interest? Did I say the wrong thing? Or did she just have a simple change of heart? Or meet someone better? She may just be out cruising other guys who's ads she answered online.

Damn. I just could have really used more of that FWB vibe I thought we had going. Friend With Benefits. Just damn. Wonder if it fizzled out like a firecracker on the day after the Fourth of July?

Unlucky at cards, unlucky at love, unlucky at life. That's me. The lonely man there on the corner. Or rather the lonely man in his studio.

I may be fretting all for naught. I could very well hear from her this very week. And she'll be back for some of the great sex we had before. She was so responsive, so vocal, and she left with a big smile on her face everytime we were together in the past, thanking me each time for a great time. Whether it was sex or sex and watching a movie. I may just be too weird for her.

See the lonely man there on the corner...

And nobody knows him, and nobody cares, cos there's no hiding place, there's no hiding place, for you...

He sees everything and nothing at all...

I swear I wish I was a normal person with normal relationships. And not sad and neurotic. I just wish I felt as wonderful as everyone else. I wish I was a normal happy person. The kind of people I see all around me all the time.

But I'm not like that and never could be.

Well, if nothing else. I had those nights of great sex and warmth and happiness with her. Hell, I'm probably worrying about nothing. Sometimes I think about ending it all. Just to be done with everything. Boring jobs, worrying about being overweight, worrying about depression, worrying about having no life and nothing to come home to at the end of the day.

Other than surfing the web on my computer. I was hoping I could make it work with this gal. In some respect. But I may have crapped out again. Flat broke and busted. Alone again.

I always think to myself when this happens. I guess somebody else gets to have great sex with her and not me. Never me. Someone else gets to know happiness with her. And not me. Once again.

Fuck you, God. You don't exist. And you never did. There's nothing for me in this life except misery and bitterness and unhappiness. No joy for me. Never for me.

Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow...

Or maybe I'm just worrying about nada.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zMGLvwfRelo

Wasted Youth

2008-10-05T21:39:00.000-07:00

I feel a total jerk.

Been thinkin' and drinkin' this evening. Have not heard from the Asian princess for several days. Oh, we spoke briefly on the phone. She told me the reason she hasn't been coming by my place is that she's having that time o' the month. Which is cool. I can understand that.

But ugh, I miss her already. I shouldn't sweat one person. There are lots of women in the world. But the sex we had was so passionate. I'm just fearful I'll never hear from her again. That'll she'll move on, meet someone new, someone better. Which, in my case, wouldn't be that hard to do. But we seemed pretty damn sexually in synch. So...

I may just be worrying too much. I do that and this is part of the reason why I never have a girlfriend.

Only time will tell. But tonight. I'm thinking of the years I pissed away. I'm still young. But my earlier years, ten years ago or so. I spent them working shit office jobs surrounded by people I hated. I did that for years, hating those jobs. When I could have been working in the entertainment industry, doing extra work, working as a PA (production assistant) on films and TV. I would have been in the industry, even on some small level. And made the same if not more money than I was making in those office jobs. I was writing my screenplays at night so I was still working towards my goal of getting into the film world.

I probably wrote about this before. But it irks the shit out me from time to time. The fear. I had the fearful courage to move to L.A. all by myself. But not to move to Hollywood. And go full force into the entertainment world. What an idiot. All those years of wasted youth.

If I could go back? Just before I moved? I had saved up a lot of money. A nice little nest egg. And I would have shaved my head. Bought a cheap wardrobe of all black clothes. Slimmed down. Painted my car jet black. Hell, I would have spray painted it black if I didn't wanna spend the money on a cheap professional paint job.

And I would have moved to a cheap, clean apartment somewhere in Hollywood or West L.A. and gone full force into the film and TV world. Got myself a headshot, registered with some casting agencies. And written scripts and done open mic stand-up comedy at night. Maybe have met a girl and fell in love. Or at least in lust.

Those years were a magical time. But I just didn't realize it. I realize now how magical they were from the music and movies and books and TV shows of that era. But I did not appreciate them at the time really. Well. Live and, hopefully, learn.

Here's two tunes from that era I didn't truly relish when they first came out. But now I wish I had. They are just songs. But they made me realize that I missed out on so much life, so much freedom, so much sexuality, so much everything back then.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EkqIHWAMSJ4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iqH_xqh0eVw

Indian Summer Halloween

2008-09-28T09:33:00.000-07:00

Well, fall, autumn, Indian Summer is upon us. Halloween comes next. Do you even celebrate Halloween? I know a friend who still likes dressing up each Halloween at work. I don't even bother. But I always liked a Halloween a lot as a kid. Graveyards, ghosts, Jack O' Lanterns. Maybe I'll head to the local pub and have a pumpkin ale this year. Being a writer I like words. Indian Summer were two words I always liked the look of.

It's an election year and it seems it's all winding down and coming to a close soon. I want this election to be over.

Gotta say though. I like fall. I don't like it getting dark at five o'clock every night. That's a bummer. But I love the look of apple red and pumpkin orange leaves all around. I like the change of seasons around this time of year. But this being California the change is subtle and I like it that way.

I've always liked the latter months of the year. October, November, December. They've always been my favorites. It doesn't really seem the year has truly started until those months roll around. When they do it feels as if the world finally has a handle on the current year and we know what direction it's heading in, right or wrong.

The latter months of the year can't get here soon enough for me.

Mad World

2008-09-27T21:38:00.000-07:00

Hello, loyal readers. Or lack of them. No one reads this blog. Almost. So what does it matter?

But. An odd duck of luck I've been having lately. Been working a lot. And spending most of the rest of my time off in a semi-drunken haze. Just been grabbing some grub and beer and coming home and chowing down and getting high on Corona Light.

Gotta love that there cheap Mexican brew.

I met a real sweet and pretty girl via Craigs List the other week. We talked late into the night via e-mail. She came over to my humble bachelor abode days later, we talked, it was awkward at first. Then we eventually shagged pretty passionately and she told me how great it was and we said our goodbyes and she left.

She came back the next week and we had passionate sex that night. Some of the best I ever had. She was such a willing freak. So sexy, so innocent, so sweet, so up for almost anything, well, within reason. And she loved doing it all.

I've found with sex that if the woman is really into, I'm into it. And it turns out to be some of the best sex ever for both of us. And this was one of those nights. Incredible passion. She was wonderful, a sexual Alice In Wonderland. And she was Alice and took me by the hand (or maybe some other body part) and gingerly guided your humble host into that sexual Wonderland. I think she's maybe renewed my faith in women.

Good sex is a two way street, you have to give good sex to get good sex. And sweet Darwin, did this lovely Asian princess give and did I so wanna give it back to the power of ten. I saw her again the other night and we watched a British horror movie called Creep. She came over and wanted to watch a horror movie. So I rifled through my stack of DVDs and gave her a bunch to choose from. We had to stop the movie to shag like minks at one point. I couldn't wait till the flick was over and neither could she. She made quite the racket vocally if you know what I mean. Plus my damn lame full size Ikea bed was creaking up a storm from all the humpity-pumpity. Surprised we didn't break the damn thing. Which would not have exactly been a tragedy. Damn Ikea ramshackle furnishings. They may have a cool factor but their shelf life is highly suspect.

And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad...

It's a very, very... mad world.

As the song goes.

I find it kinda funny I found someone so sweet, so passionate, so willing to throwdown and sex it up at damn near the drop of a proverbial hat.

It happened without me even trying really. I think I could keep this relationship going with this gal for a good long time. One can never be sure of these things. Last time I saw her she just came back from having a meal at The Elephant Bar. A cool theme restaurant near my pad.

She seems to dig me a lot. Lord knows why. She likes video games and said how much she'd like to try out my Playstation 3 next time she came over.

Hey, I'm expecting nothing. We've had some great sex. Shared some beautiful, albeit brief, tender moments. And she seems to be almost always in a good mood, always pleasant, happy, smiling. But in a genuine way. And she doesn't seem to mind a cat like me who isn't like that. She's a very positive person with plenty of intelligence behind it. She's younger than me, 10 years or so, went to college and got a business degree but now she's working hard in the medical field. Why do I find that attractive in a woman? Her being so filled with happiness I mean? I guess since I secretly like those qualities. I'm unhappy most of the time. So I gather those few times I can get a woman interested in me I want her to as unlike me as possible. But with some of the same interests. But all you can do is play it by ear and take life day by day. Especially a cat like me. The first time we had sex? She asked how big I was, how thick I was. And when we got down to getting it on she was a tad put off by me not being shaved down below like a lot of people are these days. So the next day? I got out the Vidal Sassoon electric clippers and shaved the area down to the nub. And did a touch up with a safety razor. When he hooked up for the second time she marveled at the difference. Anything to please the ladies. And anyways, I detest body hair by and large. But how goes it with this chick you ask?

So far? So damn good. And like the song says? Mad World.

That's what I call it. It's a very, very mad world. Since you never know how things may change or turn out from day to day in your little life of quiet desperation...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4N3N1MlvVc4

Grand Theft Auto III Theme

2008-08-28T21:31:00.000-07:00

So very cool.

One of the greatest video game theme songs of all time.

And so unexpected when you play GTA III for the first time.

You aren't expecting some sexy cool mellow piano jazz number. Far from it. Yet it works beautifully.

Makes me long for a sports car cruise in the streets of Liberty City.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlLMvP6erSU

The Calling

2008-08-23T07:22:00.000-07:00

The company e-mail server at work is down. And has been since this morning. I feel bad for the programmers when this happens. They're always scrambling to get it back and running and tracking down yesterday's back up tapes. But it's been quiet so far.

Saw Death Race today. I'm starting to see the appeal of Jason Statham. It wasn't great art. But maybe a pretty fair popcorn flick.

I was in the container yard earlier today at work. It's the massive concrete area that surrounds the multiple canals and docks where the ships come in. And they store all these giant red and blue containers that you see truckers hauling down the highways. They have dozens of these white pick up trucks that have small computers in them that they use to keep track of which containers are in the yard. And I had to go through all the trucks and take down the computer ID tags in each truck. Which isn't easy since a lot of them are being used by the longshoreman clerks during the day shift.

And I get to this one area by one of the main buildings where the longshoreman clerks meet up every morning and get instructions about which gang of clerks is going to be working which ship. And there's all these white pick up trucks parked everywhere. But I'm checking out some of these trucks and it's like a damn mini ghost town of abandoned vehicles. No one has used so many of these trucks for ages. The tires are slashed, the radios are ripped out, the computers in them have slashed power cables. And I wondering why hasn't anyone hauled these heaps away? I finally took the truck numbers down and notified my supervisor about it. It seems I always notice these things.

Like in the parking lot there was an old big cream domestic car with flat tires just sitting there like some long dead slain metal dragon just rotting away. Until I mentioned it to someone and a couple weeks later it was finally gone when I arrived one morning. There was even a really old clunky abandoned microwave just sitting on a concrete divider that everyone walked past while going into the main building everyday at work. It was there for months. And no one paid any attention to it. Until I finally grabbed the thing and tossed it in a trash can. I looked around waiting for someone to say something to me about it when I trashed it. But not a word.

Maybe I missed my calling.

Junkman.

Have a good one, broheims.

I Want You To Play One Of My Songs!

2008-06-06T22:32:00.000-07:00

American Pop!

Circa 05:20 of this video.

"I want you to play one of my songs!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3RL2LbIw_FQ&feature=related

Something about this scene from this movie rocks...

I saw this movie once on video a long, long time ago.

I remember seeing this scene from the trailer for this film when it first came out in the magical year of 1981.

I don't know why but movies seemed other worldly to me at that time of my life. Movie trailers especially blew me away. Even if the movie didn't look that good. The trailers did.

Trailers like this made a massive impression on me.

Especially the eight count finger snaps before Pete the coke dealer starts to play the piano.

Even if I didn't see the movie when it first came out it seemed kinda awesome.

Seeing the YouTube video now...

The character of Pete the coke dealer was sort of the way I wish I always was. Thin, taut, cool, angry, streetwise, edgy, dangerous, with it, hip, driven, dressed cool, looked cool in shades, confident.

But I was always unsure, depressed, frightened, awkward, out of shape, with bad eating habits, extra body fat, afraid to talk to girls, the usual...

But one can dream...

Maybe I wish I was Tyler Durden.

And Bob Segar's song Night Moves? I always loved it. I always wished I could have a girl like the one he sang about in this song. But I knew it was never meant to be. I was too afraid, too scared, too frightened to talk to girls. Not much has changed.

Mostly nights at local diners eating burgers and fries late at night after work was what made this song sweet to me years ago. I didn't have a girl to be with. But I'd go to a local diner and chow down and maybe hear this song on the diner speakers or on the radio on the way home and love the sound of it. Wishing I could have a girl like was sung about in this song.

You can see how this animation in this film totally influenced the films of Richard Linklater.

Even though the animation in American Pop and other Ralph Bakshi films seemed lame to me when I first saw it on video.

Cool World was the only Bakshi film I saw in a theater. And it wasn't that good. It was pretty bad. But the teaser trailer of the film was actually really awesome. Since it featured The Art of Noise version of the Peter Gunn theme. Was a little too tall. Could've used a few pounds. Tight pants points hardly reknown. She was a black-haired beauty with big dark eyes. And points all her own sitting way up high. Way up firm and high. Out past the cornfields where the woods got heavy. Out in the back seat of my 60 Chevy. Workin' on mysteries without any clues. Workin' on our night moves. Tryin' to make some front page drive-in news. Workin' on our night moves...

Love You All

2008-05-11T20:30:00.000-07:00

Well...

I went to Fathers Office II in Los Angeles today. Had a Chimay and an Office Burger and split shortly after finishing both. I always get buzzed pretty quick after one beer at F.O., I don't know what it is.

But I get depressed, sleepy from the beer there. It's like quaffing cough syrup.

It was sweet just going there and checking the place out for the first and final time. Yeah, don't think I'll go back again.

I dug checking the joint out at its new Helms Bakery location. I saw a new Let's Be Frank hot dog stand. A much bigger cart then I saw last time. Adults and children were enjoying dogs outside the cart and sitting in a small alcove of benches and trees. I thought about trying one since I figured I wouldn't be back here anytime soon. Or ever.

But it made me a bit sad going there to Father's Office II. And why? Well, I finished my film. I finally sent all the countless deliverables to the distributor last week. And it seems everything is in order. All is well. And the film will be finally released later this year. I've spoken via e-mail to the vice president in charge of the deliverables and seemingly everything is fine. They even sent me an e-mail form for me to fill out that they were forwarding to the sales people for the release of the film. The form needed to be filled out with the film's tagline, selling points, etcetera. I accomplished the impossible. I finished this film. Got everything done and shipped to the distributor. And lived to tell about it. And lately I've been praying (hopefully not in vain) for God to send me a great girlfriend and to give me some great sex and to send me a woman to make me as happy as the ultra sexy saxaphone love theme from Blade Runner makes one feel. I just want the normal happiness that most citizens of Earth get to know. Am I too much of a bitter bastard for something such as that? Is this new fantasy female meant to be? We shall see, we shall see...

Chimay And Boobs

2008-04-20T11:36:00.000-07:00

Back again.

I'm still among the living and not yet undead. Keeping the zombie hoardes of life at bay.

I've been on MySpace, YouTube, online, what have you, like mad. Might as well. Nothing else to do. I keep telling myself I've done all that stuff enough. But I just keep going.

Got a call from another cougar slash MILF the other day. She finally is back for good in Southern California after a long time of traveling for her job. She said in the phone message that she wants for us to meet. But I haven't heard much from her since other than an e-mail telling me the hours she works. Late nights. Real late.

Damn. That's a problem. Her working those late into the evening hours. I could use some of that right now. But maybe someday soon. Just a matter of time. I could use some of this...

Just a matter of time. That's the story of everything in my life.

I actually heard from an old amigo I had not spoken to in a lucky thirteen years. Found their MySpace page. Life is too fucking odd. Time to knock back a few Rolling Rocks. Or in your humble host's case, Chimays. Got a film critic amigo of mine to finally try Chimay, they dug it, 'natch. I finally snagged a set of Chimay goblets. So I can enjoy my potion of choice as it was meant to be had. Life is (at times) sweet. Gotta love them Trappist ale making monks...

Eat My Bunnies!

2008-04-13T21:13:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9LBakWBQaQ

Oh yeah...

Now this is the most AMAZING video I've ever seen!

Bunnies, Beethoven and guns. Ya gotta luv it so!

Get Your Edison On

2008-04-13T10:37:00.000-07:00

http://www.edisondowntown.com/

Finally went and checked out The Edison in downtown Los Angeles.

A truly amazing place!

It's downstairs in the Higgins Building, this amazing old Art Deco building that housed the first privately owned power plant in the United States.

I knew about the Higgins Buliding before. Since that's where we had shot my film. They had an incredible website for the Higgins Building online not too long ago. But sadly for some reason it has been taken down. Yep yep. Sad sad sad.

But! The Edison!

You go downstairs to the bar and it still houses a lot of the old original power equipment. The lighting is dark, the feeling of the place is tech noir, the music pulsating, but still everything has a steampunk retro feel.

It reminded me so much of Thief: The Dark Project, Thief: Gold, Thief: The Metal Age and even the lackluster, but still cool, Thief III: Deadly Shadows.

I'm still pissed at the makers of the Thief series for taking away the main character's (Garrett) sword. And you just fight with a lame dagger. Bastards.

But back to The Edison bar. Amazing place.

Getting in was a breeze. I got asked for my ID at the door by the well dressed bouncer. I guess I'm looking younger than legal tender these days.

You go down the long winding staircase to the bar and it's like going into a whole other world. Steampunk Valhalla.

I paraphrase an Edison review I read...

A string of lights spiraled down the deep staircase, as you walked, jaws dropped, you almost tripped over yourself, so enamored with the place. The first thing you see was a huge wall of metal doors and handles with a walkway at the top. What is that? It was a furnace. Turn left, and a square center bar topped with the best light fixtures we've seen in ages was packed, but moving. Off to a corner, black-and-white movies flickered on a giant video screen. Beneath that, we could barely make out the huge black pumps stoicly sitting in a back room. It was a never-ending space of twists and turns, and each corner revealed a new secret.

Art Deco-style leather chairs were tucked under the low-ceiling generator room in one direction, Gothic thrones were secretly stowed behind that big metal wall in another. Between two large bar areas, leather banquettes, unobtrusive, yet perfect for seeing the scene. Oh look! A pool table! And steel...lots and lots of, you guess, iron pumps and industrial-looking things throughout. Beautifully painted frescoes on the walls look as if they melted into the cement canvas over time. Everyone touched everything throughout the night, no one believed it was real. Even the trash cans are cool...

But back to my first hand observations...

To drink I had a Hemmingway. A specialty drink of theirs. A mixture of champagne and absinthe. I remember hearing about absinthe being legal again after almost a century in the USA. It packs a wallop.

But I wanted it straight up. Much like in the remake of the movie Alfie with Jude Law. Alfie was one of the few remakes that truly kicked ass. Yes, it was a big ass budget Hollywood remake, but I loved it. There was a great absinthe scene with Law and Susan Saradon that was filmed just years before the green fairy was made legal again in the land of the red, white and navy blue.

I wanted my first time of consuming it myself to be just like they had drank it in the Alfie remake. I'm guessing it isn't the pure form of the green fairy like you get in Europe.

But alas, it seemed it could only come in a mixed drink. After one belt the stuff I was pretty hammered.

Old habits die hard...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=elutCfvhmzE

After getting my watered down absinthe buzz on I wandered around the joint, checking out every nook, cranny, what have you.

I made a point to see every tucked away corner, the jukebox, the men's room, every place to sit, I even walked up the intimate stage where they have live music every week.

And I kept The Edison plastic stirrer the Hemmingway came with as a souvenir. I came home that night and rinsed it off and stored it away in a cabinet in my apartment. Might make for a nice memory in an otherwise sad and miserable life.

But back to what I did at The Edison after I finished my drink. What then?

I split...

I just wanted the one drink to say I'd officially been there. And I had.

I'd prepared online. Checking out the drinks and menu before hand.

When I was there I had thoughts about what my ex would think of the place. Even though I was pretty much bored to alligator tears with her on a sexual level I frequently appreciated her positive attitude and enthusiasm for trying new places and new things. As bored as I was by her I sometimes miss that. Peculiar.

But I fear I may be friendless and girlfriendless once again. I seem to have alienated the few friends and potential and ex-girlfriends in my life. All two or three of them...

I spoke to my new would-be girlfriend (the sexy Persian MILF slash cougar I mentioned before) the other day. I guess she got over being pissed at me. Maybe women are just hard to figure out. The Persian MILF slash cougar said she would be free to meet this evening for a drink. But an hour before countdown she called and said she had a splitting headache. One so bad she couldn't get out of bed to take a shower and meet me. I told her to pound down a few aspirin. She said she did but it had done no good. I told her okay and I'd speak to her later.

Man, I was disappointed. Did I screw it up again? Did I say the wrong thing? Did I come on too strong, too eager? Did I not seem aloof enough? I just can't figure out all these games men and women play with each other.

I contacted on a bored whim another ex of mine (well, a Romanian chick I banged a few times and took out once or twice and emailed a lot) this weekend via email. What I sent was a joking semi-risque poem. Well, it was an R-rated parody of the old Broadway song It's A Hard Knock Life.

She said for me to never contact her again. Since I had sent her a couple of supposedly offensive emails. Besides that one. I was just joking around but I guess she didn't see it that way. No loss. I guess.

But losing any sort of friendship with her is a bummer. Even though I knew beforehand I'd never see her again in person. She'd always make excuses not for us to get together. It seems she prefers loser types. Drug dealers, co-workers that she likes to screw and then get fired at her job. She banged one of the executives at the company she works at so I guess she is good at getting underlings she has nailed fired. What a sick twist. What a world. What am I getting upset about? She was not right for me. She was self-destructive and gets off on men who treat her like dirt, like, sadly, far too many women. Despite her own recent delusions about finding self-worth.

Just decided to drown my sorrows in Chimay tonight.

But who knows where her sick, sad, pathetic life will lead her now? I offered to give her a small role in my next film. She was thrilled. But that it seems is never to be.

I even offered to take her to The Edison. She thought the place looked great from the website. But she declinded. Said she could not find adequate child care for her daughter. If she truly wanted to find it she would have. She'd done it in the past when she had to scurry off to nail some loser guy she had deluded herself into being hot for.

But still, why was she offended? She gets off on men treating her like dirt. So maybe somehow this will endear her to me again. Uh, or not. I always end up being the guy who's bad behaviour really turns off women. Not the kind that ends up making them keep coming back for more.

I guess there is a fine line between bad behaviour that women dig. And bad behaviour they don't dig. Oh, sometimes I've used the right kind of piss poor behaviour, don't get me wrong. But sadly not often enough.

Why bother even thinking about it? Were are all just tiny humans on a rock in space called Earth. Nothing we do probably matters. It is all meaningless. So why should I care about any of this? I shouldn't really. But I'm just bored so what else is there to think about?

I swear I have such a sometime woman hating streak in me. Being rejected by them for so many years has affected me. Deep down I so want to women. But there is so much anger within me. I wish I could let it go like take a pill or flipping a switch. And take all my worries and fear of thw world and paranoia with it. I know I'm not a ladies man. I just wish I didn't have such a strong desire for them sometimes. Women that is. Wanting sex like crazy and not getting it can make a man go over the edge.

It's where characters like Travis Bickle come from. Those dark creative minds brought about by years of rejection from the world, from people, from women. And then they come bursting out in a dark explosion of creativity.

Or maybe I just need to chill the hell out and not read so much into this. I am still so damn moody many times. I hate myself and I hate my life. I just wish happiness came easier (still) as it does for most people.

God does not exist. It seems he (or she or it) is keeping me alive to torture. God is just a made up thing like the Easter Bunny of the Tooth Fairy. By the way, I saw the film Leatherheads tonight. Pretty okay movie. Not perfect. But...

But God seems to want to keep me from being happy. I really needed to see the Persian cougar tonight. Especially after the bad vibes slash email I got from my other ex this weekend. Just to fulfill my already rock bottom self-esteem.

But no. No happiness for me, no passion, no sex, no caring, no nothing. Just emptiness, lonliness, the void.

No tenderness, no human feeling, none of the normal things that normal men and women enjoy. Just anger, bitterness, failure, hate, and deep deep deep emotional pain. Well life sucks, what else is new on the horizon?

I go back to work tomorrow. After my one day a week off. I make a good salary. But at six days a week it seems I'm always working. And really, so what? What else do I have in life? No friends, no life, no girlfriend, no sex, no nothing. Just bitterness, misery and loneliness. And I can never seem to work hard enough to get any of those things I mentioned that normal people enjoy.

Fuck you God. You don't exist. You never did. When I talk to you I'm just talking to myself, to something that does not exist. Belief in God can go straight to Hell. Since it's obvious a freak like me will never know any taste of Heaven in life.

We all get depressed. But most people have friends, wives, lives, girlfriends. They are normal, reasonably happy people. Not fucked up manic depressive borderline psychopaths. I'm exaggerating for literary effect obviously. Still, I shouldn't complain. I'm on upswing lifewise these days. I really am. My life is uttery pathetic. So any improvement means I'm shooting more than par for the course. Plus I've been hearing the lovely sound of airplanes flying overhead in the distance today. One of my favorite, most relaxing, peaceful sounds.

I mentally revisited a movie I saw a while ago. Dario Argento's Deep Red. His best giallo. And his fave film of mine. I love the Edward Hopper Nighthawks influenced set design in it.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0073582/

Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow...

P.A.S.

2008-04-07T20:58:00.000-07:00

Well, I scored the other night.

With a cougar I'd known some years ago. Like I wrote before, this was the MILF I banged in my Mustang a few weeks ago.

Thought I'd never see her again. But she contacted me via e-mail out the blue and we went out. Went to a hip Beverly Hills nightspot on the Sunset Strip. Katana. A Japanese hipster sushi joint. Dark lighting, lots of beautiful people types, a crowded Saturday night. We ate at the bar, talked, it all went pretty well.

So she calls me the other day, wants to get together at the same hotel by the beach we stayed at one time years ago. So I get a room, head down there to meet her after work. And we hung out in the room, she turned on some porn, we drank champagne. And the sex happened, I rubbed her down with body oil. Went down on her and finally made her climax. As she kept pouring champagne over her muff as I went down on her.

All the other times I'd been with her we hadn't gotten to that point. But after a good build up I finally reached that point with her. About time too. We had sex. And that was that. Had a cool meal at the (coincidentally) Japanese restuarant by the hotel. It was nice out, torches were lit along the walkways as we walked to the restaurant.

I had a meal called natural sirloin. Which was small pieces of sirloin served with a very hot rock that you cooked the meat yourself on. Good stuff.

After that we went back to the room and she asked me politely to let her sleep. I asked her if she wanted to fool around again and she declined. I left, that was that.

Odd. She's a strange woman. I never expect to hear from her and then she turns up sometime later. Can't figure her out. She may be just another flake.

At least I got some sex, some human interaction, a little tenderness. In a world filled with cruel, hateful people. It was nice to have some gentleness, some sexuality, some passion in my dull, drab, useless, pointless, bitter, angry life.

Happiness comes (easier) to others. But rarely to me. I prayed to God, the Supreme Being, what have you, to please send an attractive woman my way. To give me some much needed sex, emotion and human touch and kindness and...

I don't know what. I guess I got it. In a small portion anyway. Better than nothing.

I called her tonight and she seemed standoffish and ended the phone convo after the conversation turned sexual. Maybe I was a tad vulgar but nothing more than people talk about after sexing it up the night before.

Maybe Morrison was right. People are strange.

Donut Men

2008-04-03T23:40:00.000-07:00

Real Stories Of The Donut Men...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_uhDodpqRRU

Trailer for a totally obscure indie film from years ago. Never saw the film since it never had a distribution deal.

But I always liked the title. Even wanted to make my own movie called simply "Donut Men" because of the title.

It would be a quirky comedy about two guys who run a late night Donut shop. But they make such bad donuts that they have to steal day old donuts from a nearby supermarket dumpster when the market throws out the day old food that's still technically edible.

And one of the two Donut Men would drive a hatchback car shaped like a donut. And they would both have girlfriends who come to the donut shop that night and gave them hell. It would take place (the film, my imagined film) during one late night shift at the donut shop.

I think I first saw the title of this movie on the Paladium marquee on the Sunset Strip years ago. Even though it seemed the Paladium was NEVER open, never had any shows. But I guess I got there too early. Or rather, I always drove by too early before humans were queuing up outside to get into a show.

I met the director (Mr. Beeaje Quick) of Real Stories Of The Donut Men years ago at a movie screening in Venice Beach. He was there with his date, a cute female and their three legged dog named Tripod. Okay, that wasn't the dog's name. But we can dream, right?

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0192514

L.A. Weekly article about (Mr. Nice Guy) Beeaje Quick:

http://www.laweekly.com/art+books/art/im-bullshitting-as-fast-as-i-can/6695/

Ciao, kids, kiddies and kidettes.

I Don't Know What's Wrong With Me

2008-03-22T15:40:00.000-07:00

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I went today to H.D. Buttercup off of Venice in Los Angeles. It's this massive furniture store, the size of a football field. I wanted to see where the new Father's Office is being built. It's in the same complex as H.D. Buttercup. In the old Helms Bakery Building. It still has the Helms Bakery sign on the roof and everything.

The furniture is cool. But not all of it is truly amazing. They had a few pieces that looked pretty funky and eclectic. Like old office equipment and cabinets that they refurbished but kept all the cool wear and tear on them and slapped the pricey fancy H.D. Buttercup logo tag on it.

But I was thinking how it mighta been a sweet place to stroll through with my ex. She liked doing stuff like that. I call it interesting boredom. You can be mildly bored and still interested in something. Like saying during a great sunset. Plus the whole Helms Bakery Building shopping area is cool. It's classic Art Deco design. They even had someone pushing out a hot dog cart as I was wandering around. Let's Be Frank was the name on the cart. Dogs Gone Good. Yep yep.

I wanted one but I'm just finishing up 40 days on the master cleanse. I'm all done drinking the lemonade for 40 days on the diet. Now it is just organic orange juice from Whole Foods and fresh fruit for three days. On day four? Back to eating normally since the body has reset itself to consume food again. I missed my comfort food a lot. Eating is sometimes all I have to do with myself at the end of the day. My life is so empty, no women, no friends, just movies, food, wine, beer, restaurants, video games, DVDs, or basic tasks we do to maintain living. I'm such a foodie. Hardcore. But I'm starting an exercise program next week. If I can 40 days of the lemonade diet I can handle that as well. After the 40 days you feel a bit like Superman, like you can do anything after surviving on no solid food for so long. Even though a lot of the depression is still there in my life.

I did finally bang a hot looking cougar (MILF) a week or so ago. In my Mustang. Never done that before. It had been about six months. I went out with her a couple years ago and e-mailed her out of the blue. We met at the Pennisula Hotel Club Bar in Beverly Hills for a drink. I was cleansing so I had bottled water. She lives in the Hills at her sister's mansion. She seems like a bit of a flake so I don't think I'll get to see her again. And she was telling me already that I need to dress differently. Not as casual as I do with Doc Martens, Levi jeans and Levi denim shirts in blue, black, and army green like I'm prone to. I'm wearing a large size now and most of my stuff is extra large. The perils of weight loss.

I need to make orange juice cleanses a couple times a week a regular part of my life. To help combat weight. Drinking the O.J. the last few days has been pretty cool after the bland ass homemade lemonade of spring water, lemon juice, grade B maple syrup and cayenne pepper. No more of that jazz. The organic O.J. is much easier to take. But man, I can eat. I know I can. I swear.

I'm a lot thinner now. I did it for weight loss firsto and cleansing secondo. I've gone down about three belt notches. But mostly I came to Buttercup to see if Father's Office II was open. Nay, still under construction.

Still the weird thoughts about my ex. There was no sexual passion between us anymore. None. She had plenty for me. I lost all I had for her. Simple boredom. But I miss the companionship on rare occassions. As boring as it sometime was. I miss her enthusiasm and pleasantness. But we cannot hang out anymore. The thought of sex with her sickens me for the most part. We can't be friends because of that tension.

I hear they have wine tasting at H.D. Buttercup as well. Sounds cool. Never been to a wine tasting. It's a very chi-chi thing to do.

And be sure to visit the hot dog vendor where you're there. Yep yep.

http://www.helmsfurniture.com

A Confederacy Of Dunces

2008-02-02T06:44:00.000-08:00

Hello again. Well, the project should finally be finished at the end of this month. After all this time.

Of course I'm going to have to shell out more funds to get it all done. Which is bad. But these things really rack up el dinero.

I'm thinking I might have been out of my mind undertaking a project like this. All on my own.

And now I'm wondering what Fortuna will have in store for me now that my mini magnum opus is nearly complete. I'm feeling a bit like Ignatius J. Reilly in the 1980 novel A Confederacy Of Dunces. Like a brash eccentric who sees his life spinning into a new direction.

Onward, onward, burning brightly...

We're All Lonesome Street Side Romeos

2008-01-12T20:05:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZvCZwSWGZJc&feature=related

What is this music video about? The video and song is about people being cut off from each other, how the world divides them. And how a lonesome street side Romeo breaks the bonds of society and makes contact with fellow humans, even in a small way like making brief eye contact with strangers. You can see him getting a sly satisfaction from doing this. When he makes eye contact with the man on the bus, the blonde woman in the shop, even the crazy guy bobbing his head near the end of the video. Long live Alphaville. Yep yep.

Shave Me Slowly

2008-01-02T21:37:00.000-08:00

Well...

I'm sitting here with a shaved head. Had a little Cutty Sark whiskey on New Year's Eve and stumbled into the lavatory and took ahold of my drug store bought hair clippers. And man! If those things don't work like a charm!

They did the trick. Shaved my head down to the nub. I'm kind of liking the feel of my fuzzy head. Luckily my hair grows like a weed. So it won't be like this for long.

I just needed a change. As a youth I saw older people who still had thier Sixties haircuts. And they seemed sort of sad. Stuck in the Sixties with their same outdated and corny haircuts.

I was being told by a few people that I was looking the same. Like I was stuck with a non-modern hairstyle. It nagged at me for quite awhile. Made me feel pathetic. So I finally did something about it. The damn hair is shaved away. A fresh start. With the hair gone no one can accuse me of that again. Fuck 'em all.

A freshly shaved head to razor away the years of haircuts, split ends, washings, colorings, etcetera. Gone all gone now, baby blue.

I had a number of comments at work today. But it went over okay. I still look like a bit of a train wreck and need to slim down. But that damn hair is gone forever. Praise the Supreme Being.

That's the good thing about the past. It is past. And can never hurt you again unless you allow it too. And it's gone forever. As are all those that wronged you.

Still don't have the corrected masters for the film. But I contacted the distributor via e-mail and from what I gathered from them they seemed to be quite patient with regards to the delay. Praise be to the Supreme Being times two.

Over but not out...

Caddyshack Vs. Marillion

2007-12-26T22:58:00.000-08:00

Is it just me or does the synthesizer riff at the start of this song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xXwlorEn1lY

And the synthesizer riff that starts as the 03:52 point of this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RcD0C-gNKVE

Do they sound very much the same?

Is it Marillion meets Caddyshack? Is it progressive rock meets slob comedy?

The mind wonders...

Feeling Sideways

2007-12-18T18:42:00.000-08:00

Welcome back my friends. To the blog that never ends.

Not a whole lot going on in my life as per usual. Just coming and going to work. Coming home, getting a couple bottles of Chimay and some tacos or burgers, ordering a pizza online, whatever.

And chilling out watching YouTube videos all night or a DVD on my computer. Lately the DVD choices have been Sideways or Gangs of New York.

Do I want a girlfriend? Yes. But not enough to go out to the bars, clubs, whatever to find one. I am content to be miserable it seems. And not exercise or deal with humanity in any way. Other than where it is totally needed such as work.

I've been going to Arclight in Hollywood to see movies almost every weekend. Just to add some excitement.

I've been e-mailing my Romanian friend pretty regularly. I guess she is having a rough time of it, health problems and whatnot. She's having a tough time here in Southern California. She's crazy but sweet. I hope she gets her life together.

Still have not finished getting the corrected masters for the film together. The production company still has not finished with them. The pitfalls of indie filmmaking I reckon.

It is so weird. Why can't I be like most people? Why can't I smile like most people do, laugh like most people do, have friends, have girlfriends, wives, be normal? Why am I so cut off from humanity? Because I want to. But when people are young they aren't cut off from others.

Most people have happy childhoods, they fall in love and lust, they date, they have friends, are happy most of the time. They can't imagine going to the movies alone. They...

Or hell, I'll never be like them. I'll never believe in religion, or like to socialize at work, I'll...

I'll never be normal. Lucky me. I get to be God's odd man out.

The one pick last (or not picked at all) when two sides are choosing up teams.

Fuck 'em all.

What Alignment Are The Sopranos? A Dungeons And Dragons Question

2007-11-05T13:00:00.000-08:00

I'm talking Dungeons And Dragons alignment. Only those who played the game will be able to answer this.

Now Tony Soprano? My guess is? Chaotic evil. With good tendencies.

Good being in the way he does care about his family and friends. He's not above offing them to save his own skin though. The guy is certainly chaotic, violent, and capable of a great deal of evil.

His wife Carmela? That's tricky. She seems more lawful neutral. Like she'll just go along with whatever is going to keep her family together, her marriage together. Even though she knows Tony is evil, even though she lives a lot of her life in denial. It reflects in her politics too. The way she just unthinkingly votes Republican no matter what. Supports the current American right of center government without question.

Now Meadow? I'd say she's lawful good. With...unlawful tendencies since if she was truly lawful she'd have turned in her dad to the authorities long ago.

Paulie? Chaotic evil.

Silvio. Chaotic evil. But more level headed and way less chaotic than Tony, Paulie.

Christopher? Chaotic evil. Really, really, chaotic and evil. The most chaotic of the bunch.

Janice? Neutral evil with good tendencies. Since Janice is really just about getting ahead in life and she'll hitch her wagons to anyone that will get her more money, a bigger house, a nicer car, whatever. And she really doesn't care how she gets it. But she isn't as evil or chaotic as Tony and his wiseguys.

Junior Soprano? I'd say he became chaotic neutral towards the later half of the series as he just lost it. And became more of a lame endlessly bedridden character. I don't see him being as chaotic as Tony though.

A.J.? Or as I called him A.Hole since he was such a bland annoying character at times. He's probably close to true neutral. He just goes along with whatever he comes across. His friends want to burn off a guy's toes with acid? He goes along. His friends want to beat a guy senseless? He goes along. He has some good and lawful tendencies though. And has a conscious. And I don't think he is capable of ever being a hardcore gangster like Tony. But A.J. is mostly lawful because most people in society are and he just follows the crowd. If society were mostly unlawful he'd follow their lead as well.

Not So Fast!

2007-10-06T22:47:00.000-07:00

Well, the film ISN'T done yet! The last few weeks have been hell. Well not hell, but close. The masters I sent to the distributor has technical problems with them. And the blue scratches I may have mentioned in some scenes had to be corrected with better digital technology than was used before.

We got rid of some of the scratches but not all. So I had it sent out to have them all corrected. But with digital technology you can fix almost anything. So it'll be a bit longer.

But. My job is secure. The union just secured another three year contract so I have job security and good pay and benefits for years to come.

There's been some mix ups at my job. They split apart the entire IT department. Half of us are upstairs and half us are downstairs. What the hell? All because someone of another department, a manager of some sort wanted people in his department located near his offices where IT previously was. Half anyway. Idiots, corporate idiots.

I'm knocking back the Chimay tonight and feeling pretty mellow. I went with an old female friend to the Regent Wilshire Hotel in Beverly Hills for my birthday. We spent the weekend ordering in room service, lying in bed, watching movies, swimming in the pool, hanging out, having sex. It was pretty cool.

I thought she'd find it a lame idea. Just going to a five star hotel and ordering in room service for the weekend. And having sex. But she loved the idea. It got her out of her humdrum life. And I finally managed to fuck her again for the first time in years. I had been fantasizing about her endlessly for some reason.

Why? Because I already knew her. And she was not a new person I had to go out and meet. Easier just to contact someone you already met. Even briefly. So we e-mailed each other for a long, long time. Until I finally suggested the weekend and we did it. And we actually did IT again! For the first time in years. But...she was quite the little freak.

I love room service. It is a beautiful thing. It's my favorite thing about hotel life. And my favorite thing about Vegas.

I still need a regular friend with benefits that's local though. Need to get out of the house and find that. But I fear I never will.

But we shall see, we shall see. The rollercoaster of life still travels on for your trepid adventurer, dear reader, it travels on...

Blessed be.

Fin!

2007-08-09T02:37:00.000-07:00

Well, at long last all the film's deliverables are in the mail enroute to the distributor. Finally, finally.

It's been quite a long journey. And a lot of worrying. But it's done now.

There's always that lingering paranoia that there may be something missing from finishing up such a big project. But I'm certain I'll hear from the distributor if anything is not well and good.

But I frequently worry to no avail. All that wasted worry and it almost always comes up as nothing. So everything should be fine.

All done now though. Time to move on. There has to be hope on the horizon. Love, laughter, sex, hopefully and especially sex.

Cheers.

God I Was Beautiful

2007-08-04T20:38:00.000-07:00

I remember years ago. I was a geek. Everyone mocked me. But in my teens I got my act together and I started dressing better.

And good God, was I beautiful. Girls looked at me like they never had before. I still didn't have the confidence to have a girlfriend. But I looked a million times better.

I was sad, depressed, lonely, and man did I want sex. I wanted one or a million girls to fuck me. But nary a one would.

So I would cut out of school. And travel the buses to a local (not so local) mall. And I would go into the Macy's store at this mall. After I had shoplifted some erotica novels written by Anais Nin. And I would pretend to be trying on a shirt in the men's dressing room.

It was cool, quiet and air conditioned in the men's dressing room. And the carpet was exquisetly comfortable as I laid down on it and read these stories of French hothouse sex. Of threesomes, twosomes, orgies and more. Of an unreal sexuality I would never experience. Being a geek, albeit a well dressed one. Nin taught me how to go down on a woman. Or gave me some damn good pointers.

Reading French erotica in a Macy's men's dressing room while skipping school. And lamenting I would never experiece the sexual heights written in the tomes I read.

It was sad. Yet strangely beautiful. I miss those days in some ways. As sad as they were.

If I was lucky enough to have had a bit of female companionship back then. It would have made my youth the paradise it was always have said it would be. If you go by the rock songs and books and movies about that stage in life. They almost always involve a terrific girlfriend who makes the hero's life extr-a-ordinary!

Too bad it doesn't always happen in real life as much...

The Sound I Love Most

2007-07-27T20:33:00.000-07:00

The sound I love most (uh, other than a cute chick climaxing) in the world.

The sound of a plane going overhead.

Man, that sound of a plane passing overhead. And it slowly fading into the distance fills me with such sadness and longing. It reminds me of sitting in an elementary classroom as a kid on a Northern Californian summer morning with the class door open and the blue sky seen outside.

And when a plane went overhead. Man, it made me feel like all was right in the world for those few lonely, beautiful seconds.

And then it was back to the harsh, horrible reality of being miserable, of being lonely, of being friendless, of never having a girlfriend and the reality of all the vicious, nasty classmates around me. And not having the strength physical or courage wise to stand up to them. Violence and strength is all bullies respect. And if I had the strength I needed at that time I would have beaten them all bloody like they soundly deserved.

I remember the day I was supposed to move away from that neighborhood and the elementary school I was attending at the time and the teacher or I think principal came up and got me during the outdoor activity my fifth grade class was having at that time and said, "Your Mom is here to pick you up."

And I got up. And he led me away from all those vicious assholes and bullies and I felt a wave of relief as we walked away. A blissful rush of happiness. Sure, I probably knew more bullies awaited me at my new school. But to think I was leaving all THESE vicious asshole bullies behind, never to be seen or heard from again. I didn't miss them, they were forgotten in an instant. Because I knew I would never see, hear or come in contact with them again.

I was free. And happy. If only briefly.

It was a glorious moment.

Oh yea, oh yea...

Blessings to all the kind hearted people in the world who accept those who are different (but harmless). And death and dismemberment to the bullies of the world.

Psychotically yours...

Almost There...Hal Hartley Musings

2007-07-16T15:29:00.000-07:00

Well, all the deliverables for the film are ready to go at long long last. Just awaiting approval from my music supervisor that I've hired over the net to secure the rights to a piece of music for the film.

Licensing music, especially well known pop songs is a nightmare. Never again. Never again.

I've completed my next screenplay I want to shoot. Another off the wall comedy in the same comedic vein as the first one. Now I just have to secure financing. No more self-financing for me. Just gets too blasted expensive.

Once the approval for the rights for a certain piece of music comes through I'll Federal Express the deliverables to the distributor and that's that. Something I thought I would never accomplish all those many moons and months ago. Independent filmmaking takes so long. I wish I was a low budget auteur like Hal Hartley (but without the need to alienate my audience as HH has seemingly done in recent years). Does he WANT people to dislike his films?

After sitting through the gawdawful motion blur effect that was present through Hartley's The Girl From Monday and the endless use of dutch angles in the cryptic Fay Grim. And the use of digital video over the vastly superior image quality of 35mm. Well, you get the idea.

Still, Hartley manages to live off the profits of his films. And is able to live comfortably and make the small, off the wall films that he wants. I'd want my stuff to be a bit more acessible than his works though. Henry Fool wasn't a Hartley flick in need of a sequel. Far from it. But Fay Grim is somewhat a return to form than his last few films.

You can't be another filmmaker though. As hard as you try. You can only be yourself.

Innovate. Don't imitate.

Adios, for the memento, true believers.

Anh, Lighten Up You Grim Bastard

2007-04-11T15:15:00.000-07:00

I dunno.

I get so negative. Dwelling on useless bullshit. There are a lot people worse of than me, ya know?

I just need to get motivated really. I should cut myself some slack. I've accomplished at least some of the things I've set out to do. No situation is ideal.

As trite as it is to state, I should focus less on the negative.

Still, I still wish for my 28 Days Later... fantasy to come true. My Omega Man dream. To be the last man on Earth.

The rest of humanity wiped out. And maybe I could stumble upon the remaining survivors from time to time. Who knows.

I'm almost done on my project. Then jump into the next one. As the great B-movie king Bruce Campbell said, the first film is the hardest. Just get the one done. Get it out there to the public via the distributor, promote it. And you're done.

And ask yourself, what's next then?

Life can be beautiful. Or so I've heard. You just have to look a little harder to see it.

Wish I was like everyone else. Happy. Or happier. Most find it easy to laugh as I've said before. Man, I never laugh out loud.

Leonard Shelby from the film Memento. I wish I had his look. Without the memory problems.

It's getting better, man, it's getting better. If you just don't give up.

I'm Dying Alone

2007-03-29T06:00:00.000-07:00

I know that now. I'm dying alone. With no woman in my life. I've wondered many times why I don't have one. Oh, I've had one in the past. But not really for a while.

The truth is I see it now. I may just not want one. Oh, I do. But not enough to do anything about it. I'm expecting it to perhaps happen by accident. But, tragically, it seems like it never will. I just don't have the drive. I detest the bullshit of it all, the dating scene, etcetera. Who needs it?

I'm just going to strive to take better care of myself and move on. I'm just far to bitter and angry. I hate everyone it seems sometimes. And sometimes I have great affection for humanity. Heh, when watching movies mostly.

Anyway, the hell with. If I'm doomed to die alone? So be it. Hell, maybe if I was like Tom Hanks in Castaway or Cillian Murphy in 28 Days Later or Charlton Heston in The Omega Man. If I was the last man on Earth, like those guys. Or the last one in that particular part of the world they were all in.

I keep hoping to wake up one day and be living a last man on Earth scenario. I don't know why. Humanity just gets to me frequently it seems.

We all gotta dream, baby.

You're Livin'

2007-02-12T16:46:00.000-08:00

Oh yeah.

Well. Still finishing up the film. Color correction is done and the worst of the blue scratches on some of the footage are gone via our limited digital effects budget. I've got the majority of the music I need from some royalty free DVD's bought off the internet.

We also managed to snag the rights to a very specific song I wanted for the end credits. Man, never thought I'd pull that off.

Otherwise? Well, I'm hanging in there. Halfway through another dark comedy screenplay, rough draft. I just finally need to get this damn film done and sent off to the distributor. They have one long list of items they need.

See you soon, here, or Never Never Land...

Hi

2006-09-13T16:49:00.000-07:00

Hello. Back again. Feeling down. Just finishing up the film. We have distribution lined up. But nothing is 100% percent till the contract is signed.

Right now I'm trying to find the right music for the film. Mostly classical music. Like Kubrick used. He preferred pre-recorded classical in a lot of his best films. 2001, A Clockwork Orange, The Shining, Eyes Wide Shut.

Yeah, baby.

Futura Extra Bold

2006-07-11T14:39:00.000-07:00

My official fave rave font. It was Stanley Kubrick's fave as well. It's very Art Deco, epic, futuristic. I love it, baby. I love it more than lesbians love pussy.

Welcome Back My Friends To The Show That Never Ends

2006-06-14T16:13:00.000-07:00

Well! Finally finished the horror screenplay the other day. Entered it in a few screenplay contests. Ones specifically for horror films.

I'd say don't waste your time on other types of screenplay contests. Those always chose dramas as the best screenplay. Almost always.

Man, haven't finished an entire new screenplay since. I don't know when. We'll see how others react to it. Sent it to the producer of my last film. He says his production company is looking scripts. A number of investors looking to back low budget horror are seeking such scripts.

It's non-stop rock 'em sock 'em zombie fighting action. With the usual generous amounts of blood, gore, suspense, violence, comedy, what have you, baby baby.

But we shall see. My personal life is non-existant. As usual. I'm alone because I want to be I suppose. I don't have the energy or the drive to go meet a woman. Too damn lazy.

I'd rather stay home and have a Chimay. I'm so pathetic I guess. But there are other things in life. Plenty of creative people have put their personal life on hold for quite awhile until they were in a more ready Freddy state of mind.

We shall see, we shall see.

Onward and upward, baby blue...

MILF Hunter Moviemaker

2006-05-09T10:08:00.000-07:00

Man. I could use a nice MILF right about now. Dangit. Too bad they don't come in cans.

But enough about me. How've you been?

Anyways, we officially locked picture. Had some inserts on the film that needed to be worked on. But I ended up using some of the original footage for them instead of the lackluster new stuff my cinematographer recently shot.

So it's over and done now. Not really spending more on the flick until we sell it. My executive producer is network with investors like crazy to get this thing sold.

We'll get a DVD release for sure. But I'd love a release from Warner Independents most of all.

Cheers.

Holiday Sweet Holiday

2006-04-20T11:52:00.000-07:00

Taking some time off. Getting my head together. Playing the new The Godfather video game.

It's the only Grand Theft Auto clone I've ever played that doesn't suck. Got a number of DVD's I have to catch up on. I've been exchanging DVD's via the mail with an Internet movie critic friend. And you know I don't have many friends.

The horror screenplay is coming along. Bit by bit. I'm still going over it in my mind.

I've got a good idea for a short I want to shoot as well. Sent a copy of the script to my producer to see how much it would cost to film. I'm thinking Kodak 35mm stock. A beautifully shot five minute short. I'd need three actors. One convience store, one empty street and one car. And a hospital room.

I hammered the script out in about ten minutes a number of months ago. I may have posted about it here. But too dang lazy to check the archives.

Best of the best.

Live From Spaceship Planet Earth

2006-03-26T09:50:00.000-08:00

Well, we've locked picture. Now onto locking sound and locking music. Hopefully we should be done in a month or so.

At long fucking last.

More good news. The film is playing at The Arizona International Film festival this April.

Chris Gore's Ultimate Film Festival Guide lists it as a major North American film festival. Which is wicked cool.

Onto the next project. Going much more mainstream this time. Without sacrificing my twisted sense of humor and outlook on Spaceship Planet Earth. Cheers.

Back In The High Life Again And Again And Again

2006-03-03T16:03:00.000-08:00

Well, just learned the film is playing at the Longbaugh and Bare Bones Film Festivals this April. Which is cool.

And I'm almost done with the editing. Had a three hour session with my editor the other night. It'll be good to be done with it. No more procrastinating for me, baby blue.

Cheers. Hope you are well...

Get Happy

2006-02-12T08:24:00.000-08:00

Another day in paradise.

Woke up, got myself cleaned up, showered, shaven, brushed, buffed.

Might take in film later today. Get an Office Burger at Father's Office and a Chimay. Office Burger equals the perfect sandwich. I stay away from the fries. The garlic fries and the sweet potato fries. They are both good (I vastly prefer the former, 'natch).

I've gone for a couple of long (over an hour) walks in my neighborhood a few times starting out at 5AM. They've been invigorating. I will make them a habit. But only during weekdays. Less humans around.

Things will start to look up. Well, they have already. I just need to focus on the positive more. I have two functions I should attend this week and next week. Things related to two of the main actresses from my film are involved with.

Keep on keeping on, Johnson. That's a term of endearment from the counterculture. Or before. William S. Burroughs used it in his writings. The man's a Johnson. A good fella. You follow, killer?

Good times.

Things I Need

2006-02-11T16:42:00.000-08:00

A beautiful woman. Close to me age or younger. To mate and to date with. Though I know I'm the worst possible boyfriend and husband material.

Well, scratch that. There are a lot worse ones out there who get a lot more action.

A fit physique. Not sculpted just fit.

Enough money to quit this crap but well paying job of mine. And be able to work full time creatively and not having to deal with a shit day job.

A different place to live in a better area. Away from where I am now. I live in a nice area. But a posh area of Santa Monica, Hollywood, would suit me better.

To experience all the sexual fantasies I always think about multiple times and get them out of my system.

To be prolific creatively. Write and finish more screenplays, more films.

To just learn to enjoy life.

Cheers.

Losers Lament

2006-02-11T14:37:00.000-08:00

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I'm so fucking bored. My life is dull and empty. Maybe I shouldn't be drinking. I don't know.

I see people all around me in the world, on TV, on the net, in films, commercials, in day to day life, at bars, restaurants.

People happy, enjoying life, joyous, happy. Not sad, angry, fearful, paranoid, and so totally fucking and utterly bored with life like me.

I don't have the courage to venture out. I know I'll be miserable. I can be miserable at home.

I have a good job, a good car, decent apartment. I should be happy but I'm not. I'm overweight, out of shape, with a body so weak and abused that it doesn't feel like it can ever be improved.

It's overall weight could be brought down. But just try adding any muscle to these spindly arms. I can't get motivated to stick to any kind of long range exercise plan.

I see so many people with thin, tight, beautiful bodies. Not perfect. But fit, comfortable enough to walk around the beach or swimming pool in a bathing suit.

Not I says I. Not I.

I hate myself, I hate my boring life. No love, no sex, no romance, no fun.

All I have to look forward to is a decent sandwich during my workday lunchtime break.

And maybe a good movie. I can't relate to anyone. I can't...can't...can't...

I've never felt comfortable in this world. I should be happy and grateful. I could be a dirt poor person living in some third world country who barely gets enough food to survive.

I'm sick, sad, angry and depressed. And oh so bored and empty.

I wish I could wake up tomorrow. After being asleep for 28 days and nothing but water and a bare minimum amount of food fed to me through an IV.

And be near skeletal thin.

And find the world and everyone in it gone. Vanished. Save for.

Two percent of the population. Like 28 Days Later...

I don't have anyone on this planet I love enough to really miss. That sounds horrible but it's true.

I'm an empty, insignificant shell. Nothing.

Unfeeling and uncaring. Well -- not totally. If I was unfeeling I wouldn't feel so bad.

I wish some genuine happiness could come into my life. And some strength to face the day.

Please Lord/God/Goddess help me to find the strength. To carry on and find some much needed peace on this little green planet called Spaceship Planet Earth.

Peace.

Groundhogs, Film Festivals, Etcetera

2006-02-05T11:17:00.000-08:00

Killer news. We won the Golden Groundhog for best underground movie!

Plus the film recently screened at the Park City Film Music Festival and got a Silver Medal for Excellence award. Okay, a lot of films there did.

We also were screened at the Muskegon Film Festival in Michigan under an alternative title. Supposedly to a standing room only crowd. At least that's what the festival director said when he e-mailed us.

And the film film be screening at the George Lindsey UNA Film Festival in Alabama this March. Dr. Lindsey played Goober on the Andy Griffith Show television series if you can believe that.

Also we will be making our United Kingdom slash international premiere this March at the Bradford Film Festival! In Bradford, England, 'natch!

We're also getting much closer to locking picture. And a Santa Clara Valley reporter who saw the film at Cinequest last year will be penning an article slash interview with yours truly soon.

All in all? A good month's work.

Cheers!

Cillian Murphy

2006-01-16T19:29:00.000-08:00

Would you like to see my mask?

One cool ass motherfucker actor. Ever since his role in 28 Days Later... I've had my eye out for this cat. He's got so much range and a definite hint of madness behind those eyes. Batman Begins, Red Eye, Cold Mountain, and his Oscar worthy performance in Breakfast On Pluto. I caught the latter last night at the Laemmle on Wilshire and really truly dug it.

Watch out for Cillian. A word to the wise guy.

Editing Session

2006-01-13T16:40:00.000-08:00

Well, with my producer/editor/cinematographer learning of my Golden Groundhog nod and that I had taken some time off this week -- we finally got together yesterday for an eight hour editing session.

We went over the entire film making corrections, adjusting sound, tightening it all up.

I was dreading it and putting it off for months. But it wasn't that bad. We grabbed a couple of chicken wraps at the restaurant across the street from his studio/apartment around three. And then wrapped up the editing session around six.

A good day's work. So we should be pretty damn close to locking picture. Or a helluva lot closer anyway. I feel a better now.

We played around with the footage from some scenes and managed to make them better, more interesting and improved the sound and pacing quite a bit. I'm pretty much done submitting to film festivals on this project. But this new version I'll send out to one last big fest just for the hell of it.

Peace peace love love.

Miranda July

2006-01-13T16:30:00.000-08:00

A totally unique talent. I saw Me and You and Everyone We Know recently a dug it a lot. It wasn't a perfect film and certainly not to all tastes. But the writing, acting, directing, was so funny, so off the wall. I was a tad jealous to be honest.

But she had three times the budget I had. And more filmmaking experience.

I sort of wish I could be more like her. And be as quirky, funny, beautiful and brooding as she is. She's got an alternative music/film/writing/performance artist vibe that I wish I had. Without the female chromosome of course.

Golden Groundhog Awards

2006-01-11T18:45:00.000-08:00

Well! Some good news. The film's been nominated for a Golden Groundhogs Award. In an awards ceremony to be hosted by William Shatner no less!

I'm still baffled how they managed to stumble upon my film. But it seems some of their scouts spotted it in one of the festivals it screened at this year.

So that's coo-coo-cool, daddy-o. We're going up against some much more box office bofo films. Such as Green Street Hooligans. So our chances of winning are tough.

But it's cool just to be nominated. I rule!

Delray Beach Film Festival

2006-01-03T16:43:00.002-08:00

Well, the flick will be at this year's Delray Beach Film Festival in Florida. March 2006.

Mark your calendars. But nobody reads this fucker I'm guessing so who gives a fuckity-fuck?

Still haven't locked picture and still stuck on my damn zombie script. I feel like Miles in Sideways. Nothing to show for my life. No career, no girl, nothing.

My life is boring and empty. I goto work, come home, try to write but can't, and maybe goto a movie sometime.

Last year was a lousy year for the most part. A miserable one. I'm still an unhappy miserable bitter lonely human being who hates life.

Still, I got my reshoots done and got into some film festivals and made some good progress on getting my damn zombie script done. I have a script for a short film I want to make too. It comes so slowly though. Especially the writing. The short film script I knocked out in about five, ten minutes. Like it was my Satisfaction.

At least I have a full head of hair.

Maybe things will get better.

New year, new day.

SNOB Film Festival Win Etc.

2005-12-19T16:51:00.000-08:00

Well, we won best U.S. feature at the SNOB Film Festival.

My first award. Pretty cool. I think we've got a chance of getting into the Pune International Film Festival. We find out later this week.

That'd be great to finally get into a non-USA fest.

Still working on my damn zombie script. It's coming along but too damn slowly for my taste. C'est dig?

I dunno what (the "dig" line above) that means but I think it looks cool. Ya dig?

Cinequest Revisited

2005-11-25T23:16:00.000-08:00

Yeah, as much as the filmed sucked and needed reshoots -- which we did one month later -- it was kinda fun that night at Cinequest. We had a pretty good response for a very small audience -- and we had the satisfaction of getting into a major North American film festival. It was a fluke we got in but at least we got in.

Even my co-producer congratulated me when we were partying at the nightclub that was welcoming the Cinequest filmmakers that night -- a nice Latin club -- she told me how happy she was I was finally opening up to people and talking to the other filmmakers there!

Well, life is full of surprises, isn't it?

Now then. Time to sit tight and wait to hear back from the other film festivals you've submitted to!

I Am Jack's Throbbing Uncircumcised Member

2005-10-16T13:09:00.000-07:00

Well, back again.

Went out on a date with a gal from the internet personals the other night. We went out twice before. Met for a drink, then went to dinner another time.

I got to talking with her on the personals site when I was in a drunken chardonnay haze one night. So we agreed to meet up at a pub in Orange.

It was an okay place. Darkly lit, we drank, munched nachos. She's just under six foot. Attractive, overweight. Not hugely. But she's not svelte either.

We made out a bit. I felt her ass in the booth, she didn't mind. The conversation went smoother than I expected. I asked her at one point if I could take her home and fuck her. She laughed and said no.

Oh, I'm sure I could get some from her at some point in the not too distant future. And I do sometimes have a plus sized gal fetish. Those full figured asses on a woman like that are a turn on to bang hard from behind.

But I don't have the patience to court her. Not worth it. I want to have sex. But I can't be fucking bothered to go through the damn dating rituals. I want it now, right now.

I wish I was a homosexual man at times. Getting one night stands is effortless for them. Heterosexual men have a much harder time of it. Too much rejection and too much bullshit. But men's bodies don't do it for me at all.

I am Jack's complete lack of interest.

I'm hating my stupid boring life. I need to lock picture on my film and finish writing my next. But it's all taking so goddamn long and moving so slowly.

I hate my job. Working six days a week. The pay is good but it's boring. I wish I had corporate sponsorship and a low six figure salary without having to come into work.

I have the low six figure salary but the whole having to show up to work thing is getting to me.

Who knows. Maybe things will pan out.

I'm starting to see why men pay for sex.

I am Jack's utter and total indifference.

SNOB Film Festival

2005-10-03T18:37:00.000-07:00

Well, the film's new version got into another fest. The Somewhat North Of Boston film festival.

It's a small fest that plays at a New Hampshire college. Hey, I'll take it. They said it was Hal Hartley meets John Waters. Which I am thrilled about. Hal Hartley is one of my favorite filmmakers. Trust being one of my faves.

I've got a half dozen or so other fests I'm still waiting to hear back from. We shall see, we shall see...

Hell, I never expected to get into another fest. Oh, the film played at Mini-Cinema as well, another ultra small fest run by a teenager in West Virginia. He said the few people there liked it a lot, wanted to know where to get a copy. He was depressed though since a lot of people attended a local football game instead of his fest.

But oh well...

Onward and upward...

KIFF

2005-09-15T13:44:00.000-07:00

Well, the film played at Kansas International Film Festival the other night. And it sounds like the response was very positive by some film bloggers I e-mailed.

So I guess one should never rule out the benefits of reshoots.

I'm feeling a lot better because of the good reviews. For now anyway.

Still working on the new horror script. I'm just at over hundred pages on the rough draft. I want to get this thing finished and fast. Fast and good is what I want it to be.

C'set dig? Ciao.

Hey

2005-08-27T14:19:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am again.

A tiny bit drunk, a bit hungry, and sitting in the Hobbit Hole.

My nickname for my studio apartment in So Cal.

I don't know what I want. Oh yes I do. I wanna lock picture on my first film, I wanna finish my zombie screenplay (I'm on page 90 something!) and I want to be in shape, make a few pornos, and get a great girlfriend, and be happy.

And a 2005 Mustang and a nice place to live. And career as a film director.

Well -- I'm gettin' there.

Just wish I was in my mid 20's and not my mid 30's. Dang, I started too late.

Well, I'm a late bloomer. Always have been, always may be.

A short film that played before my two screenings at Cinequest was called Late Bloomer.

Shit, was that a sign from God?

I wonder.

The Lord works in mysterious ways. I was raised a Catholic. And then became an atheist. And now I think religion is crap and I would like to think there is a God and an afterlife. I just wonder if God has a plan for me. Or if I'm just kidding myself. Does everything happen for a reason? Man, who knows!

Anyways, the film will be playing at two fests this September. At the Kansas International Film Festival and at Mini-Cinema in West Virginia!

Pretty cool. I should not have acted in the film. My performance was passable at best.

But I will know better next time.

Cheers!

Ciao And Home Again

2005-08-12T11:21:00.000-07:00

Hiya.

Here I am again, alive and in living color.

Well, finally finished a couple inserts for the film. So I just have to work on the editing and lock picture on the flick.

I'm looking forward to the flick playing at the Kansas International Film Festival in September. Can't believe the old flawed edit got into another fest. I'm wondering how others will react to the new and MUCH improved version.

Sadly, my acting abilities are minimal. That is, I can't act. Oh, I'm passable at times. But I need a lot of coaching to be good. I just project the emotions for film.

I should have given my role to another actor. The film would have been SO much better with a leading man who could act. Quite a mistake to make for a film. An expensive one too. But one I won't make again.

I've been seeing my ex on and off again. Out of boredom really. I like her but I'm not turned onto her sexually really. But I'm too lazy to meet someone new. And most women reject you when you approach them. So it's a drag sifting through the nos to get to a yes.

Anyways, now I'm feelin' zombiefied. And am still working on my next screenplay. The horror comedy zombie flick. I love balls to the wall zombie ackshun!

Yay!

Living In The Here And Now (Once Again)

2005-07-03T10:04:00.000-07:00

Well, back again.

Gone and forgotten.

Just working on my next script. A zombie comedy ala Shaun of the Dead or Undead.

It is coming along (the first draft of the script). Not as fast as I like 'natch.

But I will hang in there.

I'm tempted more and more these days to try sex with a call girl. Never done it. Think I should. As long as I am careful and cautious about venereal disease of course.

It is the world's oldest profession. And more honorable than politics.

The first film is still being edited as we speak. I have a rough edit now. But not one I am totally happy with.

Cheers and ciao (for now, daddy-o)

Things Change

2005-06-19T18:16:00.000-07:00

Working, drinking, movies, watching cable, video games, eating, surfing the web, working on the edit for my reshoots.

Slowly the edit is coming together. The new footage worked a lot better than I thought it would.

The film is improved significantly. It's now funnier, more emotional, longer, just plain fucking better, Jack.

Yep yep. Getting it done. In my own quiet way.

Working on a zombie horror comedy screenplay next. We'll see how it turns out.

Dig?

Here And Now

2005-05-22T13:33:00.000-07:00

Feeling. Moody. All over the place. Did get the Stang back. But everytime I see one of the 2005 models it make me think now THAT is what a Mustang is supposed to look like!

Been drinking a lot. Alone. Pounding down two bottles of wine a night.

Bad hangovers the next day. Woozy. Just doing it out of boredom.

I'm putting off getting in shape. I just need a woman. Or women. I'd buy one if I wasn't afraid.

Things will get better. It just takes time.

April Blues

2005-04-26T10:24:00.000-07:00

Well, not so much.

I'm trying to remain more positive. Re-direct my thinking, ya know? So when those all too often negative feelings come to the surface I stop them, shift focus, focus on the positive in life.

Some old lady rear ended my oh so choice 2001 metallic red Mustang GT. Tore my back end all up.

It's in the body shop now. I'm driving around in a friggin' PT Cruiser. From GT to PT in one damn fell swoop. The irony of it all.

Though I kinda like a the PT. Though when driving it it is akin to sitting on an upright toliet. Hmmmmm.

Curiouser and curiouser. A line from Alice in Wonderland. A story I've always loved. Great, twisted imagery. I also dug the Dark Wonderland video game American McGee's Alice.

Heard it was gonna be made into a movie. Cronenberg was said to direct.

Ciao.

Hunter S. Thompson

2005-04-17T07:18:00.000-07:00

Hunter S. Thompson died recently. By his own hand. A bullet to the head.

Hunter went out with a bang.

My first reaction was one of sadness. The other was one of thinking what an idiot.

He had fans who loved him all over the world. He was a libertarian and counterculture hero. We needed his strange take on the world especially in this grim day and age.

Was he depressed about the outcome of the last United States presidential race? The thought of ending your life over a political race is asinine. Or was it mainly medical problems? I think he was in seriously poor health. What he needed to do was lay of the cigs, booze, exercise a bit more, he loved swimming I heard, and get his life back on track.

Fast living can't go on forever. Look at Keith Richards. He got a handle on his hard living. And he looks pretty great for his age. Weathered, sure. But fit.

I got into Hunter after buying the DVD of Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas. And then a short time later he offs himself. The swine! Abbie Hoffman ended his own life too. The fool.

I will miss Hunter though.

I even took a recent Hunter S. Thompson inspired trip to Las Vegas. I drove in my candy apple red 2001 Mustang GT from L.A. and checked into the Luxor hours later. Stopped in the town of Baker for lunch too.

I gambled, saw a show, cruised the strip, ordered up huge amounts of room service, guzzled bottles of champagne, and drank Chivas on the rocks, the Good Doctor's drink of choice! Pure Horatio Algier. I even picked up a copy of Algier's book Ragged Dick. Yes, that's the name! Hunter mentioned it in Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas many times.

I won't remember the old Thompson. I'll remember the beautiful badass of the 70's. Living his own twisted version of the American dream.

I think Algier's books inspired him as a young lad growing up in the great state of Kentucky. I should do a movie adaptation of Ragged Dick. A PG movie. It'd be a great edgy title for the film. Ragged Dick hardly meant the same thing then as it does now.

I think Hunter was just too extreme a personality to not go out in some violent, insane way.

Hunter S. Thompson came to this Earth to find the American Dream and in his own psychotic way found it.

Farewell.

Good Doctor, we hardly knew ye.

Pure gonzo journalism...

Reshoots Fin!

2005-04-17T07:09:00.000-07:00

Yes, yes, yes-iddy yes.

So we got the reshoots for the film done. Finally. Four days of filming. We went back to the same Los Angeles art deco building we shot at originally.

I rented out a smaller loft on the same floor. We also managed to add some more steadicam scenes in the gorgeously decorated hallway.

Only on the last day did we get threatened by management to be thrown out. If we had been thrown out a day earlier we would have been utterly fucked.

I also managed to reshoot some of the doorway stuff in the original loft we used the first time. The new occupant took two hundred for the use of her front door for an hour or two. I got the impression she was flirting with me a bit when we talked afterwards. Hmmmm.

We added some much needed emotion to the film. Made it more cinematic. Dynamic. Funnier.

Damn good to have it done. Damn good.

And so it goes...

The Last Man On Earth

2005-04-06T13:17:00.000-07:00

I sometimes wish I was the last man on Earth.

I do.

I wake up at times and wish the world was like something out of 28 Days Later.

Without the zombies.

No more people. All of 'em just gone. And a big wide world to roam around in alone.

Like something out of the film The Omega Man.

Or The Quiet Earth.

I wish for that a lot.

But in truth I wouldn't want ALL people to be gone. I'd be happy with exactly one million people left on the Earth. Scattered at random on every continent.

Then things like. Work, goals, miscellaneous b.s. that is apart of life. Wouldn't matter.

Of course you'd have to take care of your teeth since finding a dentist would be tricky. And if you got injured you'd be hard pressed to find a doctor.

You wouldn't have to worry about body issues so much. Weight. You could let your hair grow long. Even walk around without clothes anywhere. You wouldn't have to worry about being competitive.

You wouldn't have to worry about having a life, having a relationship, worry about getting sex on a regular basis. Or the things you will never have. It wouldn't matter.

Wouldn't matter...

Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas

2005-03-12T18:37:00.000-08:00

Hunter S. Thompson just died.

Oh, good doctor, we hardly knew ye. Suicide. That's how Hunter went out. We needed counterculture heroes like him around. Especially now.

I didn't want to sit around for a short vacation I had taken from work. So I figured ROAD TRIP!

I've never jumped in the car and just drove. So I picked up the Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas soundtrack and book and cruised the Mustang down the 15 freeway to Sin City. Using the spirit of Hunter to guide me.

I gambled, saw a show, ran up massive hotel room service bills, got plastered on champagne, and had a pretty decent time.

Of course if it had been 1975 and not 2005 I would have been ordering in hookers galore. But in this day and age that's still a little too risky what with disease and all.

The power of Thompson compels you!

Post Cinequest

2005-03-12T18:29:00.000-08:00

Well, back again, back again.

I've returned from the world premiere at Cinequest 2005. The world premiere was success. The theater was roughly half full with people scattered evenly throughout the place.

The response from the audience was overwhelmingly positive. After the show the members of my cast and crew who had made the journey to San Jose went to an after hours party. A Latin themed nightclub. We drank beers, danced (I didn't) and networked with other filmmakers.

So I'd say our world premiere was a smashing success.

However the second screening of the film was a much more mixed reaction. I was pretty disappointed. But I heard word from another filmmaker who had a short showing there that the same thing happened with the second screening of his film. And he just shrugged it off to an audience simply not digging his film.

This is the sort of thing I'm gonna have to develop a tougher skin too. Since I took it harder than I thought I would. I'm generally almost always depressed and rarely smile. So this was a pretty bad bout of depression for me. But I'll live. I always do.

You think I've got problems? The wife of a filmmaker friend of my just died. She was in great shape and still young. And she drank some bad water in Cancun and dropped dead from a virus that attacked her heart six months later. How tragic is that? She was quite beautiful too. She didn't deserve that.

Anyway, we are planning on doing the reshoots at long last. I'm reshooting about 30 pages of the script. And adding some new stuff. Then we lock picture and go onto the next project.

Adieu for now, cheri...

Back In The High Life

2005-02-26T08:48:00.000-08:00

Yes, yes. I really dug that old Winwood album from the 80's Back In The High Life.

It's a joyous album. Whatever happened to Steve Winwood? He was hardly my fave musician -- and his early stuff with Traffic was much more hardcore, deeper, experimental rock. But I enjoyed his 80's stuff too.

The guy hasn't had a hit in years. I remember liking the look of his Higher Love video.

The festival is coming up soon. I've got an interview about it coming out in a local newspaper that is close to where the festival will take place. Should be cool. I've been e-mailing local media and letting them know about the flick.

My hope is to have two sold out audiences on the nights of both screenings. But I will settle for half full. Still gotta do those damn reshoots and fuckin' A lock picture!

Then onto my next screenplay. I'm already working on it now. An M. Night inspired supernatural thriller piece. Spooky.

Ciao.

Random Musings

2005-02-20T09:13:00.000-08:00

Bill Hicks. A great stand-up comedian who died too young. He will be missed.

I finally sent the Digibeta copy of the film to Cinequest. Got it Fed Ex'd at the last minute last Friday. Man, what a rush. I put things off to the last minute, but I always seem to get them done.

I've started sort of seeing my ex again. Just felt like I should be friends with her. Or maybe I was just bored and lonely and too lazy to meet someone new like I should be doing.

Keir Dullea is one of the coolest actors ever. And not just in 2001. I stumbled on a gorgeously photographed old black and white movie with him from the early 1960's. I can see the appeal of black and white photography and filmmaking in images like that. I generally prefer color -- but this looked vibrant.

Feeling -- okay today. Had to get up a bit too early. But...

Well, I may goto a movie with the lovely ex again tonight. Took her to the see The Aviator at The Bridge theaters in Los Angeles. At Howard Hughes center. The whole complex and area is dedicated to Hughes. What better place to see The Aviator? Not to mention The Bridge has arguably the best screens and sound for seeing films in town.

That's saying a lot for the heart of Hollywood. And now for a nonsensical but somewhat beautiful end to this post...

Good night, sweet prince of thieves and broken hearts and dreams...

The Sunny Side Of Life

2005-02-04T10:34:00.000-08:00

Or something to that effect.

I've had enough of negativity. I need to focus on the positive side of life.

The Sunny Side Of Life. On the TCM movie channel they have a little intro to a film program on the station.

In it use see some cool animation of early morning in a big Eastern city like Manhattan. While a cool jazz number is played in the background. A song called The Sunny Side Of Life. It always makes me feel good when I see it.

Too much negativity and depression in my life. Positive, positive, positive. That's what I need.

I need to reprogram my thoughts and not get weighed done by anger and negativity.

Easier said then done. But upward and onward I go...

I'm A Miserable Human Being

2005-02-01T15:15:00.000-08:00

I hate life. I hate everything.

I can't enjoy anything these days. I've gotten a string of rejection notices from film festivals.

Even though I got into one of the biggest in the world, Cinequest, I'm still angry about not getting into the others. I'm wondering if getting into Cinequest is just a fluke.

Nuts. If they did not like the film it wouldn't have gotten in. I got accepted to the World Comedy Film Festival too. But I turned them down so I could premiere at Cinequest.

I just want to get into some others, do my reshoots, and get a decent distribution for the film. I deserve it. I honestly do. I think you should be be ashamed to say life owes you something sometimes when you work hard at something. Or perhaps I should say work smart. I believe in smart work, not hard.

I've no friends, no life, no woman. I'm sad and bitter and angry. I can't enjoy life. I should be able to enjoy it. I've got a lot of things in my life many people don't.

I sometimes pray for the end of the world. And me being one of the few survivors to roam around the empty streets all day. That way none of this would matter anymore.

Like the great movies The Omega Man and The Quiet Earth.

Bill Hicks said it best. Life? It's just a ride. Don't take it too seriously be you a millionaire or flat broke. We all end up six feet under. The universe can and will go on without all of us.

Speaking of which. When did time start? And what was there before time started?

Let's say there is a God of some sort. What was there before God? What was here before the universe? And before that?

This thought always makes me feel cold. It chills me. How did time start? It's such a huge question to wrap your mind around.

Maybe Warren Zevon said it best, "Enjoy every sandwich."

Maybe he was saying when all else fails just forget it and enjoy the mundane things in life.

I Hate My Life, I Hate Going Out

2005-01-15T16:15:00.000-08:00

I hate leaving the house.

I hate my job.

Sometimes lately I just want to sleep all day.

I've played Half-Life 2 and Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. They were fun. And drudgery.

I've seen the film The Aviator three times so far. It's like I don't want to bother seeing another movie. I'm just so bored with the thought of it.

I'm bored with the thought of everything. This extra body weight is weighing me down. Literally and in other senses. I hate humanity.

I have one day off a week and I do nothing. Go to a movie, that's probably it. I'm in a rut.

I should be happy about Cinequest. But mostly I'm upset at the parts of the film that don't work. And at the half dozen rejections I've gotten from other film festivals. If Cinequest likes it, why don't they? Assholes.

I'm getting done with my rewrites and my reshoots should be ready to get underway next month. It'll be good to eliminate those lame moments from the film. Good to have it finally done.

Life sucks. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Luckily I've got two bottles of Turning Leaf to drink. Maybe that'll help. But I doubt it.

Drink it away, as a wise man once said, drink it away. Of course he usually reached for the whiskey bottle when he said that. I'm reaching for the wine.

The white. Not red. Hmmm. Maybe the red is more masculine. Red wine brings images of Bukowski heroes downing jugs of the red red vino in squalid dive apartments in mid 20th Century Los Angeles.

Can't see them cats drinking white. But I don't dig the reds.

Live and learn, mama jama, live and learn.

Yes Indeed

2004-12-31T11:59:00.000-08:00

Well, another year cum and gone.

It had its ups and downs. But I got a film made (finally). And got it into a major film festival for 2005.

The sky's the limit! Or, well, it's a good omen for things to come.

I've been miserable and unhappy for most of the year. I have a lot to be thankful for. But I don't appreciate it as much as I should.

I want to be in shape, happy, have a nicer apartment, a 2005 metallic red Mustang, have a couple threesomes, goto an orgy, fall in love, quit my day job, and have this film and my next one be sweeping successes.

Thanks so much. Be well, be good, be happy. Ciao.

Cinequest 2005

2004-12-09T15:25:00.000-08:00

A miracle has happened. My film has been accepted to the Cinequest 2005 film festival.

It is a pretty big independent film festival. Chris Gore, the guy behind Film Threat magazine has rated it one of the top ten indie film festivals.

It's damn hard to get into but we made it. Amazing. I couldn't believe my eyes when I got the acceptance email. We had to be beat out over 1500 other submissions.

I've contacted all my actors and the handful of industry people I know via email. And I've let my producer know he needs to get a press kit together for me pronto.

The festival takes place in March 2005 in Silicon Valley. Be there or be nowhere.

I guess I finally did something right.

Getting Laid

2004-12-04T14:34:00.000-08:00

Well, I've laid three chicks in the last couple weeks.

Starting with a nice MILF in her early 50's. She has kept herself in very good shape. She invited me over to her house after we chatted briefly over the internet and on the phone.

It was a two hour drive to get to her in Santa Barbara but it was worth it. We had a glass of wine, wandered into her bedroom. I sat on her bed and gently pulled her to me.

We kissed open mouth, passionately, hungrily. She was very responsive, highly orgasmic. She told me how in the 70's one of her ex's was heavy into swing parties at his place. And how he got drunk and passed her around to five men one night, she said it was strangely pleasurable.

We fucked twice, long and hard for a couple hours. It was nice, warm. I haven't seen her since. She's too far away.

Got drunk a couple nights later and finally hooked up with a hot 24 year old. I came to her house late at night and asked her to goto a hotel. She was a beautiful African girl -- very mixed ethnically. The hotel room was a bit trashy but kinda cool. Mirrors on the ceiling and walls.

She had never ridden a man's cock before so her being on top was a first for her. She loved it, grinding on it. I called her a little freak and she loved it. I bit her ass, really hard. I told her how much I loved her fleshy ass. Hopefully I will see her again. She was harder to make come though.

Days later I fucked a woman, blonde in her 40's. She was highly orgasmic. Maybe the older ones respond better to me. She called and I asked if she could come to my place. She had never done that before (or so she said). We talked for less than five minutes after she arrived and I kissed her. It got hot and heavy and soon I had her on the bed, buck ass naked, fucking her hard. First her on top, then me on top of her, giving her hard, deep thrusts of my cock. She was going nuts, coming like crazy, loving it. I finally came banging her on all fours, slapping against her ass.

I've seen her twice since and we've banged non stop basically. She just comes over and wham bang slam bang wang dang!

It's great to be a heterosexual man. I still feel lonely and unhappy sometimes. Okay, a lot of times. My six days a week job is getting to me. The film didn't get into Sundance. But there are 29 more festivals I entered it in to go.

And I'm depressed that I can't get started on the rewrites for the stuff I wanna reshoot for the film. Damnit. But I finally made progress on Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. I was stuck on some flying missions that were impossible. But I beat them.

So maybe now I can do anything. I want more sex. More money. More happiness. Double happiness.

I Wanna Be Fit!

2004-11-25T22:34:00.000-08:00

I want to be slim, trim, in shape.

Have a tauter, tigher, thinner, in shape body. Sure, I'd love to look like Brad Pitt in Fight Club -- but I'll settle for just in shape, slightly muscular.

I'm not that bad as I am. Just want to get rid of paunch around mid section, tighten and firm up. Like some chicks I've seen in adult videos. This one girl's body was firm, nice, slightly sculpted. A regular fuck machine.

I want the male version of her. It just takes a little work and a lot of patience. And watching what you eat. Limiting caloric in take is everything. And mild strength training. I don't like cardio.

Onward onward brave exercise warriors! I will accomplish this, oh beasts of burdern and kings of Atlantis! Dunno what that last bit means but it sounds coo-coo-cool!

Random Throughts On Karma

2004-11-20T16:32:00.000-08:00

There is no karma - some terrible people will live long and happy lives, while some wonderful people will live short and unpleasant lives. People are not ultimately held accountable for their actions, except by other people.

How else could one explain how so many bad people are so wealthy and successful? Just look at most politicians and billionaires.

In life it seems getting ahead means stepping on someone else. Sometimes anyway. I've known this for awhile. But just thinking of it now makes me a bit sad.

It also takes the reins off on life. Pretty much anything goes. Case in point, the great Woody Allen film Crimes And Misdemeanors.

Shall We Dance

2004-11-09T21:56:00.000-08:00

Wonderful movie. Seen it four times. The scene where they use Peter Gabriel's song The Book Of Love is heart breakingly beautiful.

The films tells the story of an older businessman unhappy with his life and how ballroom dancing helps him find happiness again. John Clark, the businessman, is beautifully played by Richard Gere. I also loved the ballroom dancing movie Strictly Ballroom too! Man, do I have a jones for ballroom dancing movies now?

It's based on a Japanese film from the 1990's. I want to see the original. But I love this remake to pieces. Is it flawed in bits and pieces? Sure, but overall it flows and works beautifully. Jennifer Lopez redeems her many bad acting choices in previous films with this gem.

Shall we dance, Mr. Clark? Bravo!

Dying Of Loneliness

2004-11-09T21:52:00.000-08:00

Can't take it anymore. I'm dying of loneliness. I can't connect with anybody. My life is so boring, so empty. I want desperately for a woman to wrap her arms around me...

I'm so pathetic. A no talent failure. Wait, I'm not that bad. But -- I hate the human race. Wish I could be happy and content on my own without the need for others. People are so mean spirited and nasty. But then so am I at times.

Can't take it. Can't take the loneliness much longer. Or maybe I can. I've taken it all my life. Wish I was a rock star so I could have women fall at my feet and take some sweet, soft, warm comfort in their arms. Maybe the poets are right, maybe love is the answer.

If only I could get my hands on some.

Say Goodbye To Hollywood

2004-10-31T11:24:00.000-08:00

Hello again.

Another weekend, another day of fun.

Saw three movies at the wondrous Arclight Theater off Sunset Boulevard.

The Grudge with Sarah Michelle Gellar. Birth with Nicole Kidman. Ray with Jamie Foxx.

I enjoyed them all. Jamie Foxx is sure to nail an Oscar nomination for Ray. The ending of the film was somewhat of a letdown, shoulda been more spectacular. But overall the film was and is a success.

I saw the trilogy at the Cinedome at Arclight. Impressive theater. Not nearly as cool as the El Capitan or Grauman's Chinese, but cool nonetheless.

Birth is not a film to everyone's taste. It's slow moving, beautifully and lusciously shot. Nice to see Lauren Bacall in an edgier piece like this. Most older stars end up in third rate TV movies. Lauren has the guts to take this material on.

You have to be intelligent to appreciate this film. If Adam Sandler's films are your cup of tea (save for the great Punch-Drunk Love) you won't dig Birth.

Sent out my film to two more film festivals. That makes five so far. Gotta make it an even seven, baby! Ciao till next time.

Film Fesitivals

2004-10-25T16:28:00.000-07:00

Hi again ladies and gentleman. Well, the film is off (or in the mail) to the San Jose Cinnequest Film Festival and The Santa Barbara Film Festival.

I got a new external DVD burner that I'm knocking out rough cut copies of the film to send to my cast and the festivals.

I've only entered five so far. I wish you didn't have to wait so damn long for a response. Odds are you won't get into the festival but still I'd rather know now than December! What a pisser.

Patience, patience.

Screening Success!

2004-10-14T11:14:00.000-07:00

Well, hell. Overall the screening was a smashing success. There were a number of moments where jokes fell flat and others that got huge laughs.

Overall the audience of cast, crew, their dates, a few strangers (a couple professional comedians) really liked the film. We really nailed the ending too. With just the right music and attitude.

I sent off three more copies of the latest edit. One to Slamdance, one to Tromadance and one to a director friend, Noel Black. I met Noel via his website and sent him one of my scripts in 2000.

We'll see what he thinks. He's directed about a half dozen feature films, tons of television and made of TV movies. He's also on the Directors Guild committee of special projects. Whatever the heck that is! But it sounds impressive.

Getting the opinion from an old pro like Noel will be major cool. If I could get him attached to the flick as an executive producer that would rock.

I've been real moody lately, angry, depressed, sad. Been working too much. I just wanna sell my film for a few million bucks (or more) and quit this job. That pays quite well I must say.

I went with my ex to see a flick at the Arclight Cinerama Dome theater on Sunset last night. Saw Around The Bend with Chris Walken. It was better than I though it would be.

We then went to Father's Office for an Alesmith amber ale and an Office Burger, yum yum.

She wanted to go home with me afterwards and sleep together. But I've no interest in her in that regard anymore. I'm bored with her in that area. I look at her and think she's a very attractive woman, but I'm just not interested anymore.

Man, I just hope we can make it to Sundance. If we could get into Sundance, Slamdance, and Tromadance that would be an awesome accomplishment. The film still needs reshoots though.

But in many ways I was amazed I was able to shock members of the audience. People younger than me who I figured can't be shocked at all in this day and age. And just with comic situations and dialogue. Not bursts of violence or sex. Strange.

Ever brightly, ever brightly.

Here We Are Again At The Top Of The World

2004-10-09T11:01:00.000-07:00

Don't know what the title of this post means, but I kinda like it anyway.

We're holding a screening for my film tonight. What I really want is it shown to an audience who knows nothing about it. Not a screening for the cast and crew.

But we can see what parts work and what parts don't. It should be easy to tell for a comedy what parts don't work. Naturally I want the entire thing to be flawless. But that may be asking a lot.

But never say that at time the world doesn't owe you something. You work so hard on something and see so much failure in life, that damnit, sometimes the world owes you some big time success. Say what you want, I firmly believe that. Not people in general, but life, the universe, the world, whatever.

Then it will be off to doing reshoots for the flick. Which shouldn't be hard, just a drag really. See you in Never Never Land, Kemo Sabe.

I Don't Care Anymore

2004-10-01T13:54:00.000-07:00

I swear I am schizo. One minute I'm depressed to the point of border line suicide, next I'm okay, next I think the film is a disaster, next I think overall it's okay.

I shouldn't concentrate on the jokes that aren't gonna work, I gotta fixate on the ones that do. And I'm fairly confident the majority will work. Anyways, it isn't like doing reshoots would be that tough for this flick.

Hope we get into Sundance, we probably won't since it is such a long shot. Odds don't matter if you made a decent film though, so many they get must be painfully bad. Ours has good production values overall, a story that makes sense, and it's funny.

I'll just wait and see how the cast and crew screening goes next week. I'm going to be sweating bullets that they laugh at all the jokes. Ah, well, live and friggin' learn.

Second Thoughts

2004-09-27T15:50:00.000-07:00

Man, I a moody sonofabitch. Now I'm starting to have doubts about my film. I'm think of all the little annoying things that might have gone wrong. Of lines that will bomb, this is a comedy and if it's not funny, you're dead.

I mean some of it I know is funny. A decent sized portion. I dunno, I dunno. I wish I could find out if Sundance wants it either way sooner. This waiting till December crap is hell.

I know the odds are I won't, but I still hate waiting. And plenty of successful films didn't get to Sundance. Guess we will just have to wait and see for the cast and crew screening. I'll be sitting in the back, out of the line of fire, judging the audience reaction.

We shall see, we shall see.

V For Vendetta And Victory

2004-09-23T15:06:00.000-07:00

Well, finally got a copy of the entire film in a rough edit last night. Stayed up till 3 o'clock in the A.M. watching it.

Man, overall it turned out pretty well. I was amazed. The ending in particular I felt I nailed pretty close to my original vision. I sent out a DVD copy to Sundance early this morning, literally one day before the deadline. I'm also entering in two other Sundance knockoffs Slamdance and Tromadance.

It's a longshot getting into any of them with all the fierce dripping fang competition. But I honestly feel I've gotta shot. I actually feel kinda, good. Amazingly. Did I finally not screw something up in my life?

I won't get my hopes up too much. But overall the results are decent so far. I think I've made what could be called a three star film. Three stars out of four on the critic's rating scale. We find out in December who the entrants to the three forementioned film festivals.

Zach Braff's awesome film Garden State is the kind of first time auteur's delight a lot of young filmmakers wish they could make. Mine is different from that and not nearly as high a budget. But I hope it'll be special in it's own way.

A film that will stand out among a sea of indie films. This is also gives me an excuse to celebrate with an Office Burger and amber ale at Father's Office. Cheers to all you dreamers out there.

It's Getting Better, Man!

2004-09-21T16:53:00.000-07:00

Will have a rough cut to send to Sundance and Slamdance this Thursday. Which is cutting it real close for Sundance. But it should be okay.

I hope I get into both. One would be cool. Sundance would be the creme de la creme though of indie film festivals. First time director getting into Sundance on their first try.

The film is funny. Genuinely funny. Not funny in the lame kinda way a lot of indie films who pass them off as comedies are. I'm just worried if it will be consistently funny enough for Sundance. But hell, I'll be more than happy with Slamdance.

I've been putting off becoming a filmmaker for too dang long. But fear held me back. Like it always has. Well, no more. See you on the dark side of the moon, sunshine.

Stanley Kubrick

2004-09-18T09:23:00.000-07:00

Just some random thoughts about The Master, filmmaker Stanley Kubrick.

Some other films I wish he'd directed:

The Bonfire of the Vanities (Tom Wolfe's, supposedly, great book. Hey I love Brian DePalma, but what the hell was he thinking with that casting? Tom Hanks, Bruce Willis? Bruce Willis' character was British in the original novel, Tom Hanks' character was blonde and blue eyed, a Robert Redford type would have been a better choice. And Gary Oldman should have replaced Willis.)

Kings of Silicon Valley (This idea is based on the lackluster TV movie called Pirates of Silicon Valley, a great concept and story for a film. Tom Cruise should have been cast as Steve Jobs in Kubrick's version. Anthony Michael Hall should have been cast as Bill Gates again in Kubrick's version too. AMH had a chance to work with Kubrick in Full Metal Jacket and the jackass screwed up his chance to work with him!)

American Psycho (The movie version of this book I enjoyed, but it wasn't epic enough for me, Stanley could have done it justice. I still find it amazing that two women directed and wrote this movie. Strange. Guinevere Turner wrote the screenplay and acted in it. I saw the lovely Ms. T. at a Thai restaurant in Hollywood about a year ago. I was munching some Thai lemon chicken dish thingee with a pretty young Latina I'd met online. I never had Thai but she wanted to go so we did. Saw Ms. T. walk in with a soft butch lesbian friend possibly lover and two portly and pleasant looking Latin gay men chatting on their cell phones they way Hollywood folks do.)

A Clockwork Orange is still my favorite film of his. And my favorite film period. Some parts are dated, like the obvious ugly 1970's clothes. But overall it's still terrific and packs a punch to this day.

Rough Cut

2004-09-15T13:42:00.000-07:00

Well, I saw a rough cut of the first 50 scenes of my film. It turned out better overall than I though. Overall it is pretty funny and the production values are good. So it should be an impressive first film from a first time actor-writer-director-producer.

It still needs work and will have to be fined tuned, but so far it is shaping up better than I thought it would. Which is totally amazing. And the one shot I was very pissed off about not getting a decent take of -- I think we may have one of the three shot that is usable. Once we add music and sound effects it should be doable. Reshoots are still going to be done most likely just to satisfy my own perfectionist sensibilities. But the amazing thing is that my performance came off better than expected. We won't know for sure till we have the first screening.

And if (or I should say WHEN) we get into Sundance and/or Slamdance, that'll be a great indication that I've made a successful film. Ya gotta love Hollywood.

Rough Cut. That's the name of a 1980's Burt Reynolds movie. Not the best flick, but I dug the title, star, and director Don Siegel. And the poster is pretty cool. With Burt Reynolds holding this handful of diamonds slipping through his fingers with a hot babe by his side. I remember one of the guys on Burt's heist team being a Nazi. He had this whole roomful of Nazi collectibles. Weird looking at that in today's context. Too bad the movie wasn't very good.