Solstice Canyon

So I'm out hiking again in Malibu, Solstice Canyon. And on the way down the mountain. I look behind and see my ex behind me, the new Filipino chick I broke up with. And she says as she descends the trail with a smile, "You can't be on my mountain."

We embraced and I held her for a long moment. It was uncomfortable but I was glad to see her. Then we went down the mountain to the small waterfall at the end of the trail. She gave me some of her water and we walked to the parking area.

I asked if she wanted to have lunch at The Counter (a cool burger joint) and we drove over there in our cars. Had lunch. Afterwards I asked if she wanted to go watch a movie or DVD and she said it probably wouldn't be a good idea. So we said goodbye outside and that was that. I paid for lunch. She offered to give me $20 dollars for her half of the check but I told her I'd take care of it.

I feel a bit better about it all now. I was going to tell her I was planning on sending her flowers to say sorry. But did not. At lunch I asked how her 4th of July was and she said great. She watched a lot of fireworks and then watched Full Metal Jacket in her friend's home theater movie room. I ran into the first Filipino chick when walking by the beach (and did not see her) and now I run into the second on the first hiking trail we did together.

Is this sort of life coming full circle?

We then went to check out some local tide pools at beach slash Marine reserve a couple days later. Where you hike along a rock covered beach and then around the edge of cliff right along the shore. And the tide pools are there. Saw some crabs, hermit crabs, beautiful scenery.

We went had a meal later at a local Mexican restaurant. And then went home to watch Eyes Wide Shut. Afterwards she asked if I wanted to sleep with her. I said it might not be a good idea. But she said it would just be for fun. So we did.

I've been seeing her the last week or so. Hanging out, going for meals, seeing movies.

Strange how things work out. So I guess we are friends with (more) than benefits again.

Adios, half soldier.

Steppin' Out Again (Into The Light)

Bachelor moment.

When you want to make laundry easier. Just soak everything briefly in the kitchen sink and use shampoo as your soap. Well, you know if you want to make homemade bubble bath you pour liquid soap or shampoo into a running tub so it makes a soapy foam? It's like that. Soak everything, socks, sheets, whatever. Ring it out by hand as best you can, load it all up into a backpack or whatever else you have that's waterproof and drag the heavy stuff (amazing how heavy stuff gets when it is soaking wet) downstairs to the laundry room at your apartment complex, leaking water and hoping no one sees you, and then be shocked when it takes close to 4 hours to get everything bone dry in the dryer.

That's the price you pay for skipping the washing machine step, do the sink soaking thing and go straight to the dryer. But I wanted to skip the washing machine step since I hate going up and down to the machines to unload the washing machine and stuff everything into the dryer. But I eneded up going down multiple times anyway and spending multiple quarters on the machines.

I left work early today. Got my hair cut mondo short and colored. When I heard some fat ugly ghetto skank I walked by on the beach exclaim, "Oh my God! Look!" And as I walked by fast I thought she was pointing me out to her friends. And I thought, what is her fat ass problem? And I thought, uh, is it my hair blowing in the wind and my skanky grayish roots showing underneath the badly dyed parts?

But I could have just been paranoid. She might not have been talking to me. But one's first impression is one's best impression. So...

Or the fact that when I'm walking and sweating and zoning out I sometimes make a weird clicking kissy face with my mouth and lips and maybe this skank thought I was making come on faces to her? As fat and homely as she was, no way would I have ever put the moves on that thing!

Or maybe it was just a teenager, a young person, doing dumbass teenager, young person shit.

Either way it motivated me to take a few hours off and get some errands done. I was paranoid about people at work or anyone in public gawking at my strange hair. I tried to tell myself not to care what other people think. But then I figured just take the time off. First thing to do was the hair, which I am vain about, the second being a test drive in a 2007 used red Mustang at the local Ford dealership. It was $22,000. And the same dark red as my current Mustang. But it didn't have the same legroom as the current ride. So I thought, I'll pass. At over six foot I need leg room. I can't have my legs pressing against the sides of the driver side seat and whatnot. The Ford salesman was an older guy who told me had been doing this for 30 years and I believed him. He talked so fast. I've heard that is a good way to be a salesman. Just talk as fast and as much as possible. And he pointed this out to me. Saying sorry that he talked so fast.

I told the salesman I was also considering Dodge Challengers and he said for me to contact him since he could possibly locate a Dodge Challenger for me at some point if I wanted. He said I should get the Mustang I test drived ASAP. Since it was a GT and GTs go fast.

But then I thought I might as well get a new car. And not bother with another used one at his point. Since he showed me the computer print out car history that the car had 2 other owners in Arizona. And only 31,000 miles on it. I didn't wanna be number 3.

So I then got my current car washed and with the paint shimmering I felt much better about it.

Then went to see Public Enemies. Which was good. But I kinda hated the digital camera they shot it on. A period film set in the 1930s should be shot on 35mm. And it should not be shot shakey cam documentary style! Plus there seemed to be a lot of issues with the sound. It may have been the theater or the film itself.

Still, I loved running my hands through my super short hair during the movie. The scent of my freshly shampooed hair was music to my senses. I felt so clean, so neat and pure.

Then came home and did the laundry thing and had some Corona Light beer and Wild Turkey from the local liquor store and cheese and crackers and Gulden's mustard from Whole Foods. And watched YouTube.

This is the hell that is my life.

I am so perfectly and tragically uncool.

Dorian Gray Lives

Back again.

Well, broke it off with my new Filipino female friend. We got back together after I did some fast talking. And we were dating again for three months when I decided it wasn't going well enough for my liking.

Actually I had issues with her looks. So that is what sunk the relationship for me. Shallow, I know. But true. Even though I liked SO many things about her. She was always happy, smiling, in a good mood. Unlike me. She got happy hand clapping delight out of the little things in life. Like seeing popcorn pop from a popping machine at the movies. At the sight of animals. I miss those things about her. And I wonder if I made the wrong decision.

Plus she was a foodie like myself. And we did a lot of hiking together. Before her I would have never gone on a hike. And it got me thinking I could keep doing our hikes, our four mile walks by the beach on my own.

I miss a lot of things about her and I wonder if I did the right thing breaking up with her. She was my girl, my friend. And I feel like I just through her away. And it isn't like I've got a ton of pretty girls beating down my door.

Who's going to love me, care about me at this age? I'm not that old. But sometimes I feel it. I'm wracked with thoughts and fears of old age. I think I wish I was Dorian Gray.

I think I get her back if I sent her flowers five days in a row, said I was sorry. I think she liked me that much. Plus the sex we had was amazing for her. She's only been with one other man. So even a douche like me is going to come across way better than her last boyfriend.

If you show a woman a good time in the sack they will forgive a lot.

I was hoping to get back together with the other Filipino chick my new friend reminded me of. I e-mailed her and told her I would love to see her again. Amazingly she wrote back saying that would be cool.

Then I went for a walk at the beach like I used to do with my just dumped ex and the other chick was there with her sister. I walked right by her without recognizing her. I was spacing out. And she e-mailed me saying she saw me there. I then called her on her cell and we discussed this. She then said she'd call me when she was available to get together.

Which I fear may be never since I weirded her the fuck out.

So I lost one girl and now I've not another. Just my shit luck. Maybe it be a sign from above?

I've been talking a lot via e-mail with my internet film critic friend about it all. He's been cool about dispensing sagelike amounts of advice.

Hatefully yours...

Wild Turkey In Paradise

It's another lonely night.

Having the rest of a quart of Wild Turkey I bought last night and some Corona Light.

Feeling mellow. But a little sluggish.

Placed a few ads on Craigslist in hopes of find a new female companion. But nothing yet.

Maybe I'm just a bad person who deserves to be alone. Mostly I'm just bored. All the time. With life, work, everything. I work and come home and surf the web and watch YouTube. That's it. No wonder I'm bored.

But nothing seems worth venturing out for.

Not yet anyway...

Mysteries Of Love

What a time it's been.

Well, my film is officially out. And in stores throughout North America. And has been for over a month now.

Hard to believe I can now hold the actual DVD in my not so hot little hands and gaze in wide wonder at what I have unleashed upon the world. A DVD released by a major distributor no less! A film gets a release by a major movie studio, it's a success, end of story.

So one can take some comfort in that.

My (new) friend with benefits and I called it quits last night. We had been seeing each other these last two months. We hung out, banged like crazy and then after lay in bed, touching, talking, talking and talking. She reminds me a lot of my last girl. She's another Asian princess. Filipino.

It was nice having the company. Sometimes I wanted her to leave so I could be alone again. But it was nice overall.

But she came to tears the other night when she knew it had to end. She wanted someone she could marry and have children with. And she was sad that I didn't want what she wanted. She said I could fuck her every night and satisfy her. We experimented with many things. She told me she had been with only one other man in her life. For over a decade. And so I went wild and we tried all sorts of things. I bought her her first sex toy and we had a bit of fun with it.

Never bought a sex toy for a woman before. But I figured what the heck.

But she wanted to have sex one last time and we did. And we said goodbye and she walked out the door. Never to be seen again. I knew it was probably the right thing to do. But I couldn't help but feel a bit sad.

The mysteries of love confound me. Ala a beautiful Julee Cruise song.

She said was with her last and first and only boyfriend for over ten years, since college. And he didn't treat her well. She came to tears when she told me how he once went to help someone move on the day of their anniversary and she had cooked for them. But he didn't care. He even denied her sex for the longest time and she never cheated on him once.

I told her she was a sweet girl and a good person with a good soul who didn't deserve to be treated like that. And I told her she deserved someone much better than a weirdo like me.

But she said I had a lot to offer a girl. That I had issues but I was a nice, stable guy. And how hard those were to find. I had told her I wasn't the kind of guy you bring home to your family but she told me I was.

We talked about how I could see how hard it was for a woman to find a good man, since so many are fuck ups and losers and out of work and just plain jerks, freaks and creeps.

But I told her she was a good person and she'd find someone soon.

She had said I would break her heart and she would fall for me. Even though I told her we only knew each other a short while.

I had shown her my baby book. Which was filled with things from my infancy. And she told me don't show girls your baby book if you don't want them to fall for you.

But we said goodbye that night and that was that.

But I kind of miss her.

The Story Of My Life

It's Christmas day as I write these words.

Or Christmas night to be more precise.

Damn, if the days don't fly by faster these days. As boring as my life is and as torture filled it seems. It seems it was just yesterday that Christmas was upon us.

Oh, it seems like a good amount of time. But I can only recall just yesterday it seems that the year was ending.

Some good things happened this year. I got laid a good amount of times. For me anyway. I saw some good films. I finished my film once and for all (I hope and pray). And I made it through another damned year.

I'm still wanting and lusting for the love of my life that I feel I will never meet. Though I have a friend with benefits who hopefully will be seeing me for a good time to come onto the road to nowhere.

I was coloring my hair tonight. And some of the coloring foam spewed out from my head as I was lathering up and stained my shower rug and bathroom door. I screamed repeatedly, outraged, filled with anger, hatred, loud, harsh profanity. So loud and to the point of scratching my voice I felt the neighbors whom I despise would call the police.

But they did not. So I showered off all the hair coloring and scrubbed the offending areas of the bath place with a sponge till thankfully the areas returned to their normal coloring.

Coloring your own hair is a crap shoot. You never know how good a job you'll do. Many times it is better to have a professional do it. But doing it yourself is simpler.

I'm such a bitter angry person I look for small things to set me off into fits of rage and screaming profanity. I have no drama so I need to create drama.

The story of my life.

Have a good year.

Absolute Positivity

I think I've hit a minor break through. I was thinking the other day. I've been so negative for most of my life. Why not be positive for the rest of it?

Why not simply change your thinking around that if you want something? Think positively that you're going to get it. Always be reasonable with yourself of course.

But in the brief time I've done this I found I've felt a little bit better. I've still got a mountain of negativity to deal with in my mind. But I think I'm onto something. Let's just say recent events have made me begin to see the light. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm long overdue for an amber ale at The Happiness Bar And Grill.